Excuses, explanations, and confusion

I'd like to say thank you to everyone who commented on my "I hate J." post. I'll try to answer a few questions here and also provide an update.

I am afraid to show J. this post, even in an edited format, because I fear he would take it simply as an attack and not see the truth of what I write. I don't want to do something that will result in a yelling match rather than a constructive discussion, and that's what I fear. But I know that he needs to know and really understand how I'm feeling about things. So I'm still working on that.

About 10 months ago, I did consult a divorce lawyer, and came away so sad that I was determined to somehow keep things together. Plus, the financial part of things didn't look so great--since I make more money than J., I'd have to pay child support, and I would also receive less from selling our house because we used J.'s inheritance from his parents for the downpayment. However, I know that no financial obstacle is insurmountable if I really, really decide that we need to end the relationship. I know somehow I would get through. I appreciate the suggestions to contact the bar association. If we get to that point, I would prefer to do as much as possible ourselves, but I'd have to wait for J. to get to that point too.

I appreciated the comment from anonymous who said "It was hard to let go but I learned that I was mourning the loss of what I wanted with this person which was different from what we had and what he was willing to offer." That rings very true with me.

It's just so very hard to make such a huge and ultimately sad decision, and I will be processing it here quite a bit, I imagine. I have been with J. since I was 15 years old. It's hard for me to imagine life without him...but as you can tell, it's hard to imagine staying with him too.

On Thursday night I had a talk with J. and told him some of what I wrote here. I told him how if it wasn't for Bubba, I'd probably be gone already, and told him I felt like we didn't love each other anymore. After J. tried to set me off track by arguing about some minor squabbles we'd had the week before, we started really talking. J. said he felt that he was taking out his frustrations about work and life in general on me. He said he would look for a different therapist and would recommit himself to working on his issues. I felt slightly encouraged by what he said, but also realized that he's said these things before, and we always end up here.

I think right now, and over the past year or so, I've been trying to work through my feelings of attachment and security with J. versus my desire to live a good life. Tingle was correct when she commented "I get the feeling that your relationship with J. is the element in your life that keeps you from being a whole person." I feel that way very often, but then I wonder if I'm not using him as the scapegoat for my dissatisfaction with life in general. It's confusing. I don't want to end up initiating a divorce and then realize that it wasn't him at all--it was me making me unhappy.

I talked to my therapist about this on Thursday, just hours after I wrote that post. She was encouraging me to "look at his heart with my heart" and suggested that if I worked on being happy within myself, it could spill over and positively affect our relationship. I was honest with her and told her I didn't feel confident about doing that, but that I would try.

As of right now, I've seen a little improvement in J. He was very supportive about Lorenzo and did some stuff around the house. It was a crazy weekend so we'll see how it goes from here.

The fact of the matter is, I don't know what to do, and I'm hoping that someday I will somehow "know" what the right course of action is. I guess I don't really trust myself to make the decision. I'll keep you posted...but please try not to get too impatient with me as I complain and complain and yet do nothing about it.

Thanks, everyone, for reading and commenting. Now I'm going to go home and lay down, since what I thought was post-crying congestion from our experience with Lorenzo has morphed into a real cold with a sore throat and feverishness.