Disclaimer: This is a long post bitching about being a mother. Which makes me feel guilty because I wanted him so bad and I'm a deadbabymama and had infertility and all that stuff. And guilty that some of the people reading this have suffered infertility and losses, some recent. So if you don't want to read the bitching, please, don't feel obligated. I understand.
Do ever get to work and think OH MY GOD because the last two hours you spent at home seemed like more work than the next 8 to 9 you are going to spend at work and then you know that the four hours after that will be more work than the two you just did?
Last night I came home and crashed at 6:30 p.m. The next time I awoke was at 3 a.m. when Bubba was having a hysterical meltdown because he wanted Daddy to sleep with him. Once again, we are trying to get Bubba to sleep in bed, by himself. J. actually started crying last night because it hurt him so much to say no. Eventually Bubba settled in on the floor in the hallway, and apparently later moved to the couch. Is this acceptable? I'm not sure where I should stand on that one so input is welcome!
This morning I woke up and took the morning shift because I knew J. had been up most of the night on the computer/dealing with Bubba. So from 6:30 to 8:15 a.m., I threw some clothes in the dryer, folded the laundry that J. has been working on all week but apparently just couldn't take it that extra mile and bring it upstairs while watching Bubba while he played with his Thomas toys in the basement.
Then I took a shower, got myself ready, dug through the clean laundry that was hidden in J.'s room to find Bubba's fresh jammies--one of only two pairs that really fit him--because today is jammie day at school. (Yesterday was blue day; we narrowly missed disaster because J. forgot and was about to dress him in a khaki theme before I figured it out. Next week I have to bring an orange-colored food to daycare for the coup de grâce of their colors week.) Then I fixed Bubba breakfast, put away the clothes I folded, fixed Bubba more breakfast because he was still hungry, and cleaned up the kitchen. Then lotioned and dressed Bubba, had the "we HAVE to go to school today, Bubba," argument while J. was getting ready, found him some Monster snacks for the car because apparently two waffles and three glasses of juice wasn't enough for him, got all suited up for the Arctic cold, and got in the car, where Bubba spent the next 20 minutes alternately arguing with us ("No it's NOT wintertime! No the sun ISN'T shining!") or telling us in detail the parts he really likes on Lilo & Stitch.
I'm sure this post is really boring, but I just had to get it out because my kid is driving me crazy. I think that's why I've been sleeping so much this week--I just can't take it! Yesterday I tried taking half an anxiety pill about half an hour before going home. I figured half a pill might keep me calm but conscious enough to function. I guess not.
Lately I just dread going home. Wednesday night (remember Wednesday? The day I posted about what a good mood I was in?) we got home and J. had to work late so it was Bubba and me. Because Bubba holds his poop in and it's a problem even with the Miralax he's on, I've been trying to get a habit going where every night, a few minutes after supper, he sits on the potty and just tries. Wednesday night he threw a huge, hysterical, kicking, screaming fit because he didn't want to do it. After I got him calmed down and on the pot (he didn't go), then he had another huge, hysterical, kicking, screaming fit because he didn't want to take a bath. Then he didn't want to get out of the tub. Then he fucked around while I was trying to get him in his jammies. Every fucking thing is a struggle. At that point I got the closest I've been to slapping him in a long time. I was kind of proud of myself because I didn't. Which is kind of pathetic. (One of the few things I can pride myself on in my parenthood "journey" is that I've never hit him.) He realized I was at the snapping point and started listening a little bit more, and then asks, "You happy Mommy?" I just could not bring myself to "get over it." I told him no, I wasn't happy. A few minutes later he says, "I'm listening now, you happy Mommy?" I barked back, "No! I'm still not happy!" Oh is he going to need therapy.
I feel like every time I start enjoying him, he enters a new phase that is totally and completely infuriating. I feel like I keep going back to that postpartum time when I couldn't stand being a mother. Then I wonder if I really did have postpartum depression or if it was just that I'm really not cut out for this parenthood thing. Then I feel really guilty because I finally got my living, healthy kid and this is how I feel.
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7 comments:
i haven't even finished reading your whole post yet, but i don't want to forget this (you know, triplet/deadbabybrain).
re: bubba's sleeping problems-
buy and read "healthy sleep habits, healthy child" by marc weissbleuth, RIGHT NOW. i think i would have killed myself without it. it covers infants to teenagers so it's not too late.
normal, normal, normal. after IF and dead baby and everything else, we only feel shittier when we get it. and it's normal, but we think we should be more appreciative. well, we can't. and it sucks. and it would have no matter what. except now we have a shitload of baggage, too. fucking shit!!!
If it makes you feel any better, I had a less than stellar parenting day today too. A has this thing where we have to close the door absolutely silently when we leave. After several failed door closings ("THAT wasn't quiet!") I got mad and slammed the door several times in a row while yelling at her. Charming!
Melissa, it does make me feel better! Thanks!
OK, Liked CharmedGirl I am going to suggest a book that SAVED OUR LIVES! Dr. Ferber's Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems. It is perfect fpr toddlers. I am going to go the extra mile and say if you email me your mailing address, I will send you a copy as I have 3. I owe one to Melissa but her Boo is too young but Bubba is perfect for it. Seriously, I will have it in the mail this week.
I have also found that reducing sugar for LM has helped a great deal in his sleep and behavior. We only allow hi 4 ounces of juice a day and only sugary item, and never at dinner. Usually like a cookie in the afternoon or syrup on pancakes occassionally. It made a big change in him.
And finally, I know exactly what you mean because as a full time working mother of a toddler, I feel exhausted all the time and patience? It runs pretty thin in both spots, work and home.
No assvice on the sleeping stuff. But I can totally commiserate with the aggravation of parenting a toddler. A does this stuff all the time, and now that he can talk he can talk back, which makes things even more annoying.
Good for you for not slapping the shit out of him. And yes, maintaining your self control while dealing with bubba is something to be proud of.
Can't say much, myself, about the parenting thing, except that it's normal to find it not only difficult and overwhelming, but utterly unbearable sometimes. And I'm really proud of you for maintaining your self control. Really. That says a lot about you as a parent.
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