Look what just popped up!

So what's kept me from blogging for more than a month? Nothing interesting enough to talk about, in fact, just plain old apathy and laziness for the most part.

What's got me fired up again? Well, first, an entry by LilCherie that made me feel that if she can do it, I can do it, and secondly, my Mother's Day gift.

As any regular reader of this blog should be able to tell, my husband and I have quite the up and down relationship. Since Tuesday it's been in the honeymoon phase following the fallout of a disastrous Mother's Day. Bickering, arguing, tears, and a depression nap preceded an attempt by the both of us to salvage the day with the opening of my Mother's Day gift.

However, it was not to be, and our day dissolved into more of the same before I got a chance to open it. J. said he'd take it back, I said fine, and it sat in the garage for a few days until last night. Our relationship safely back in the hopeful "We can make it work, can't we? We can give it another try, right? Maybe a new marriage counselor will help..." phase, J. presented me with my gift, lovingly taped up in a paper grocery sack. He presented it humbly, with the following disclaimers: "It isn't much. Don't get too excited. I just thought it would be fun for girls' night."

Okay. My interest suitably nudged into a healthy state of curiousity, I opened the bag to find......

.....an air popper. Yes, to make popcorn. In fact, it is the Presto PopLite Hot Air Corn Popper. With the butter-melting cup on top that doubles as a "handy measuring cup." According to the description on Amazon.com, "this popular corn popper pops with hot air, not oil, for a healthy, low-calorie treat.It offers a faster, healthier, and more economical choice than microwave bag popcorn."

I'm going to allow you a moment to absorb this information.

Now, I am going to let out my innermost thoughts, ones that I hope J. never stumbles upon, ones that I can't get out of my head, that are making me feel like an incredible jerk but I can't help feeling this way and I have to get them out, etc.

This is possibly one of the worst gifts I've ever received, probably second only to a gift I received last year, also from J. but disguised as a gift "from Bubba," I think for Christmas, but it could have been birthday or maybe even Mother's Day. That time, it was a nicely wrapped slim box, making me think there was something halfway good in there...and it turned out it was a box of chocolates. A cheap, drugstore box of chocolates. Of which, by the way, J. ended up eating the majority.

At first, I tried to talk myself down from my initial reaction to the popper. I thought, well, he's trying, he was thinking of girls' night, he didn't have to get me anything at all...but that's as far as I got before the following thoughts sprung to mind:
•I have voluntarily eaten popcorn at home approximately 5 times in the last year.
•None of those times has ever been at girls' night.
•Is J. saying, by way of air popper, that I am too fat to eat the buttery Movie Theatre Flavor PopSecret microwave stuff?
•Is he saying I am not worth the more expensive, less economical Movie Theatre Flavor PopSecret microwave stuff?
•What the hell am I going to do with this thing?
•This would be great for my garage sale...
•I wish he would have really taken it back.
•Exactly how many nanoseconds did J. think about this gift before hauling it up to the register?
•What the fuck??

I can't help but feel that it makes a statement about our relationship that my husband feels compelled to give me grandma gifts. What's next? Some Chantilly powder (no offense, Mom), a commemorative plate, a small figurine of a cardinal? A wrapped box of Archway Cookies? Maybe some slippers (not the cute fuzzy ones but the flippy teal Isotoner ones) or a 'housecoat'?

Is this a sign that he really doesn't know me at all, or just that he's a crappy gift-giver? Is it that he just doesn't give a damn whether I like something or not or does he honestly think these are good gifts?

I can, off the top of my head, think of about 8 million things that would have pleased me more than a hot air corn popper (including, I think, receiving nothing at all except perhaps an apology that J. hadn't had time to find something suitable). I mean jesus, even just a framed scribble from Bubba, or a pair of inexpensive but nice earrings, or a book, or a gift certificate. Or he could have made me dinner, or cleaned up the house all by himself with no nagging, or pampered me in some indulgent way like breakfast in bed (which I've NEVER had) or an unsolicited and longer-than-two-minutes backrub? How about a gift certificate for a massage for my aching gristle-bit in my back that I complain about constantly? What about just some flowers, for chrissake?

Furthermore, the card that accompanied the popper was redeemed only by Bubba's lovely orange scribble (all he has to do is put marker to paper and it instantly becomes priceless). It had bears or bunnies on it or something and the message was along the lines of "Hope your Mother's Day is as special as you are."

To my credit, I have to say I accepted it all with grace. I told him I couldn't wait to try it out. "I'll have to get some popcorn for this!" I said enthusiastically. I kissed him, I said thank you. And there it sits, at the end of the couch where I opened it. I still don't know what the hell to do with it. I suppose I'll have to make the obligatory batch of low-calorie, economical popcorn--preferably at a girls' night for extra punch--and then let it fade into the recesses of the cupboards for another couple years before I can safely garage-sale it.

I feel so much better. Thanks for listening. Messages of sympathy will be gratefully accepted.