I have a book called "Don't You Just Hate That? 738 Annoying Things" by Scott Cohen. Firstly, this book is hilarious and oh, so true. Secondly, just a disclaimer in case I've somehow unconsciously co-opted one of his aphorisms for my list, titled:
"Don't You Just Hate That? 14 Annoying Things About Being Fat."
1. When you're walking down the street in that new dress and the wind blows against you, thereby revealing your huge stomach and the outline of your knee-panties (worn to protect your thighs from chafing)?
2. When for some reason you aren't wearing your knee-panties, and your slender, fit coworkers decide that it would be great to walk to lunch, even though it's 90 degrees outside, so you have to go along with it because otherwise you're the high-maintenance fat person, but your thighs then burn for days because of the chafing.
3. When, during the above-mentioned walk, you try to continue talking with the group in order to be "normal," but it's difficult because you are struggling to catch your breath and yet trying not to breathe heavily because you don't want to be the panting fat person.
4. When you are standing with a group of unfat people waiting for the elevator, and you step on it but they don't, because they are going down and you are going up. Then you spend the rest of the elevator ride wondering if they are saying things like, "She really should be using the stairs...ha ha ha!"
5. The constant vigilance required to minimize the appearance of your stomach, i.e., sucking in, strategically placed bags or folders, untucking your shirt or dress from between your fat rolls, etc.
6. When someone asks "When are you due?" and you're not. Especially when you're struggling with infertility. And you are standing in the receiving line at your father-in-law's funeral. Yep, it really happened.
7. When you are laying on the couch and your toddler wants to do something like go outside, and you just really don't want to do it, and then you get this mental image of yourself as the "fat mom" that you are, and then the guilt forces you up off the couch, but you still don't have much fun because you're so damn tired from hauling your fat ass around all day.
8. Hoisting yourself out of the car, up off of a low couch, or out of any other awkward seat, or having to do a modified rolling maneuver to get up from a seated position on the floor.
9. The panic/dread as you reach for the airplane seatbelt and wonder if this will be the time you'll have to ask for seatbelt extenders.
10. That feeling you have whenever something creaks as you sit down on it.
11. That feeling you get right before the "fat talk" at the doctor's office.
12. When a thin person says to you, "I love your dress! Where'd you get it?" and you have to say "Lane Bryant."
13. Turnstyles.
14. Pulling a muscle when trying reach around your girth to wipe your ass.
I'd love to hear more annoying things about being fat, if you have something to add. If you have annoying things about being thin....well, sorry, I just don't want to hear it!!!
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6 comments:
Heya soul sister. 6,7,10, 11, 12 - yes, yes yes! You and I are really in synch these days. ;-) Thank you for sharing this - after I wrote my last post I felt a million times better, more relieved. It is so nice to know I am not alone.
Again, you summed it all up rather well...I can especially relate to not wearing the knee panties and having to walk a long distance, when you weren't expecting to...
You keep writing posts that I have wanted to write...saves me the step!
You are such an AWESOME blogger!
I love that you put #9 in there, I was going to add that one.
But it also reminded me of the many flights I've been on recently, and two "Don't you just hate that..." moments:
1. Securing a seat on an airplane next to a fun coworker, only to worry the entire time that your fat is gushing out over and under the armrest and onto your coworker.
2. Having to literally turn sideways to get through an aisle - or better yet, as happened to me, somehow managing to squeeze between a drink cart and the seats to get back to your seat - smothering a person seated on the aisle in the process.
Another annoying thing? Waiters who say, "Diet?" when you order pop, as if making a suggestion!
Or, how about this one: Putting deoderant in creases and rolls on your body other than your armpits.
Worrying that if someone really does have to do the Heimlich Maneuver on you, they won't be able to get their arms around you.
While shopping, you think, "Oh, if only this came in a 5X!"
The daily participation in what my husband calls the "Stretch Maneuver" where I have to stretch out t-shirts, sweaters, or pants so that they aren't constricting me. Or feeling like a sausage casing in something that is too small!
How about going to sit in a booth at a restaurant and wondering if this is the kind you can fit in or not. Occasionally, I've had to make sure the table fit in the knotch between my boobs and my belly, thus causing my boobs to be resting on the table as I eat.
Oh, this one takes the cake - not only BREAKING the toilet seat (truthfully, it wasn't the weight, it was me twisting to get a magazine), but then getting a flap of butt skin pinched in the broken crack!
Wow, sadly I can think of a lot of these!
Tingle, your "Don't You Just Hate That" moments made me almost pee my pants!!!! I have really been there so many times, especially the "Diet?" pop question, all the airplane stuff, and the "Oh, if only this came in a 5X!" moment! You are too much.
I think I have more to say on this subject. Thanks everyone for commenting! It's always nice to know we are struggling through together!
I'm with you on the knee-panties girl! I've got one to add...when you wear shorts and they ride up into your crotch (from having the thighs rub together) and you have to keep picking them out from your hoo-haa. I stopped wearing shorts a while ago.
Claudia, your comment is SO true! I will wear shorts, but yes, I have to do this strange half-step/shake my bootie maneuver every so often to get them out of my crotch! I usually try to disguise it like I'm just casually looking over my shoulder or something but I doubt I'm fooling anyone. Very funny!
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