So during the relatively calm periods of my life, such as right now — when nobody's sick, my marriage doesn't look to be in imminent danger of collapse and all the appliances are in working order — I usually take the opportunity to move down to my Second-, Third- or maybe even Fourth-Tier worries. Does anyone else do this? The following list is not all-inclusive, by any means, but will give you an idea of what I'm talking about.
First-Tier Worries (Things I Worry About Nearly Every Day)
-If someone is currently sick, that they will get worse, requiring hospitalization and resulting in disability or death.
-That my marriage will collapse/is collapsing.
-That Bubba isn't developing normally in some area (language is the big one right now).
-That Bubba's daycare isn't good enough OR, conversely, as is the case lately, is great but they're switching ownership and we don't like the new owner and what should we do?
-That Bubba's malleable brain is being scarred by watching hour upon hour of Spongebob Squarepants.
-What if Bubba is malnourished because I haven't seen him eat a vegetable in about three months?
-What if Bubba turns out to be a total brat because I don't know how to discipline him properly?
-That my slowly (or not so slowly) climbing debt-level will result in financial devastation and ruin for myself and family.
-That I'm always tired/depressed/have a headache/have diarrhea/what's wrong with me????
Second-Tier Worries (Things I Worry About Often)
-That I or someone I love might have a life-threatening disease or condition.
-That I'm not doing more "educational" stuff with Bubba.
-That I may go crazy if I have to work at this job much longer.
-That I may go crazy if I have to keep doing the same old crap every day forever.
-That I may just go crazy.
Third-Tier Worries (Stuff That I Don't Always Have the Time to Think About But It's There If I Need It)
-My parents are getting older, and thus, closer to death and I don't want to deal with that.
-That I'm not being a good enough friend/daughter/mother/wife/sister/employee.
-That we really need new siding and windows but will never be able to afford it.
-What if Bubba turns out to be a juvenile delinquent, serial killer, or Republican?
-That Bubba will someday be abducted, hurt or molested and I won't be able to help him.
-That Bubba will be fucked up for life because I feed him from plastic containers/don't buy organic groceries/let him eat processed food/didn't breastfeed longer than six weeks/don't put sunscreen on him every single day/don't read to him enough/passed on my depression and anxiety genes thus dooming him to a life with first-, second-, third- and fourth-tier worries.
Fourth-Tier Worries (Don't Really Have the Time, But When It's Brought To My Attention I Worry About It For A Bit)
-Bird flu, other pandemics and my family's state of unpreparedness
-George W. Bush, corrupt politics and the fucked-up state of the world
-Venomous spiders infesting our home
I've always been a worrier and I know it's part of my genetic profile because my mom and sister are exactly the same. One of the unfortunate pieces of fallout from losing our daughter was that I learned couldn't ever let my guard down, because the day after I did with that pregnancy, it was over. Now, I just can't let things go because I feel a responsibility to do everything I can to prevent the bad thing from happening, if for no other reason than to assuage the guilt I might feel later.
So, today I'm hovering between First Tier (thinking about how much of a rut I'm in and how much I'm sick of my life) and Second Tier (hating my job, etc.), with just a dash of Fourth-Tier (the venomous spiders, believe it or not).
I realize, as I get this all down on blog, how incredibly narcissistic this all is. Look how wrapped up I am in my own pathetic, boring and inconsequential life! There are people dying in Iraq, people starving, people getting raped and murdered and tortured, people losing their lives, homes and everything else in natural disasters, and I'm here whining, "I hate my cushy desk job where I get to write on my blog all day if I want to! Waaaah!"
But you know what? It really does kinda suck. My life isn't that terrible but dammit, thinking about how terrible other peoples' lives are just doesn't make it any better.
This is a little disjointed, sorry. It's 4:41 p.m., I just interviewed someone about the uses of nuclear magnetic resonance imaging to identify and understand cell structure, I'm tired, I have a headache, I had diarrhea earlier, and I'm not looking forward to going home to the nightly routine that is always the same and always full of drudgery, crying (either Bubba or me, usually) and fatigue. What's wrong with me??????? (see First Tier).
So there. How's that for your feel-good post of the day???
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4 comments:
I find myself worrying at times as well...I dont know that I can divide them out as well as you have...It is good that you are aware that you do this. I can really appreciate the ones regarding your kid and how much you may be fucking them up. I think about that one frequently. I think we had this discussion recently--my thoughts always return to "well, I didnt turn out too bad and my parents were somewhat fucked up and atleast, I am aware that I am fucked up". Really, in addition to being a "worry-wart" I can also rationalize about anything...I guess that therapy can lead to some good rationalization skills.
Here is a thought for you...what would you do/think about if you didn't have to worry?
You aren't alone. I worry so much about so many things that I can't believe I get anything done during the day. Funny enough, I also worry about the spiders. My big one is about something happening to LM - anything from a car accident to kidnapping to falling out of the crib to falling and hitting his head on something in such a way that he is paralyzed. Yes, we are crazy - how can we overcome this??/
I like this - I never thought of my worries in tiers, maybe that would help sort things out a bit. I am definitely a worrier - for many of the same reasons you are. For our 10th high school reunion, we put down our favorite hobbies - to which I answered: worrying! Well, I couldn't very well write porn. Ok, for the "10 years ago, where did you think you'd be today?" question, I did answer, "Porn Star."
Thank goodness for medication, or I'd continue to lie awake at night worrying. Now I just do it every moment I'm awake. It's a pretty constant thing for me, so I don't know if I could even separate it in tiers. I'm like an Attention Deficit Worrier - if I'm driving, I think, "What if that car moves over? What if that stuff falls off that truck" and then I see the sun setting and I think "I hope the sun doesn't explode today" and then I see a weird cloud and think, "I hope that's not a tornado" and then I hear a noise and think "Is the engine going to fall out of the car" and then I get a pain and I think, "Is that cancer?"
Reading your post has me worried that I don't categorize my worries enough. Indeed, all my worries are floating about, willy-nilly, in my head at this very instant. I wish my brain came with a snooze alarm, or, better, an off switch.
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