Anniversary

In honor of the anniversary of our daughter's birth and death, I'm posting a poem I wrote five days after losing her.

*****
June 14, 2003

It’s the dead of night
Or the hour before dawn.
Five days ago I woke up about now,
About to find out you were leaving us.
I think I knew right away
But I didn’t give up hope till later—
Giving up hope was hard, but not as hard as giving up you.
My arms have never felt so cold,
Aching for you.
My eyes burn from the tears that don’t stop coming.
But my breasts are warm.
Still prepared to feed you,
My broken, faulty body is in fact the last to give up.
I don’t mind being awake right now, although
I’ve never felt so tired—
Be cause this is our time together.
In another world, on another day,
A day that should have been,
I’d be nursing you now.
Exhausted, my sleepy eyes would
Drink you in as you drank me in.
Together we would sit through the night,
Fulfilling our need for each other until we both would sleep again,
Happy and full.
Instead I have to close my eyes to see you,
And open my heart through this pain to feel
The love you’ve brought me.
I promise you that I will see your beautiful gifts to me
Even if it hurts to look for them.
Instead of me nurturing you to help you grow,
You will and are nurturing me,
Feeding my heart with a love I never knew,
And never will forget.
And I will grow, not stunt under this,
And that will be my gift to you.
You’ll never know what you’ve given to me in your short little life,
But my hope is that someday,
Another little life will live on,
And that life will be all the richer for what you’ve shown me.
****

Love you Hope.
-Mommy