Reminders

There's a two-and-a-half month old baby squalling down the hall from my office right now. Her mother works in an office near mine and is having childcare issues so her daughter is here with her today.

The sound of a small baby crying makes my insides start swirling in a confusing mess of emotions. Since I had Bubba, and with the passage of time, the sound is no longer like an ice cream scooper eviscerating my guts the way it was during my time between Hope's death and Bubba's birth. However, there's still a twinge there that hurts, along with an emotion I can't quite place but that I would term "muted delight."

I can't completely let go of the bitterness I feel toward people who came by their children easily. I can't quite excuse the thoughtlessness of someone who brings their baby to work without realizing what kind of heartbreak and pain they could be causing someone who has lost a child, had a miscarriage, or is infertile. I feel this way even though I've brought Bubba to work myself--albeit for short, very occasional visits, not for entire days like the woman down the hall. When I did make visits such as that, I often felt ill at ease, like I was playacting, starring as "the naive joyous perfect mother!" and was still aware that my visit could potentially be painful so I usually kept the whole thing as low key and short as possible.

This causes some consternation within me because I do feel like workplaces should be supportive of families--but I don't think that bringing the child to work is the answer. How about allowing someone to work from home (whether or not they have a child, for that matter)? Better yet, how about a real system of employer/government subsidized, affordable, decent, reliable childcare?

I remember so well how there were virtually no "safe" places for me to be after losing Hope. Even work was rife with pregnancy announcements, baby shower notices and baby-talk, but at least it didn't usually involve having to actually see or hear a brand-new infant. For people like me, I honestly believe that bringing a new baby to work can make the workplace just as "hostile" as sexual discrimination can. Maybe it just doesn't affect enough people.

Today, as I listen to that baby cry, I realize that no matter how old I get, and no matter how much time passes, it will always be a reminder of what I didn't hear when Hope was born--and what I did hear when Bubba came into this world.