The soul-sucking ennui of being a somewhat productive member of society

I have been overcome with an incredible malaise/fatigue/exhaustion this week that will just not quit--hence, the sad state of my blog right now. I felt I at least owe an apology to anyone who clicks over here.

I don't exactly know what it is. I've been battling a low-grade cold for awhile, but it doesn't seem like enough to lay me this low. I stopped taking my Wellbutrin this week because of some unpleasant side effects so maybe it's my brain readjusting to my normally low levels of serotonin or whatever.

Or maybe it's my job. I have been beyond lazy at work this week. Once I get to work and fire up the computer, it's actually physically and mentally impossible to stay on task. I really find it so boring, it's like it paralyzes my soul. I spend most of the day surfing the 'Net and eating lots of junk food to keep myself awake. This morning I got off the elevator at vend-o-land hoping to grab a snack for later in the morning. I saw that all the prices had been raised so that now, the cheapest item in the machine is 80 cents. For a frickin' candy bar or bag of peanuts! I turned around in disgust vowing never to buy anything there again. Four hours later I was down there buying a bag of PotatoSkins chips to go with my sandwich (does anyone else remember that "TatoSkins" commercial jingle? 'TatoSkins have got baked-potato appeal and they're made with potatoes and skins that are real! Cheddar cheese and bacon, sour cream and chives, something something something you won't believe your eyes!'), and then an hour later I was buying a bag of Reese's Pieces and a Butterfinger Crisp bar. My only consolation is that I stopped before eating the Butterfinger. Now my stomach hurts. Possibly from the pressure of its "toady mass," as Tingle would say, rolling over the top of my pants. Which suddenly feel a lot more constricting than they did this morning.

Other than the actual work, I like my job. It's flexible, not stressful, I have great co-workers, get paid a living wage and get lots of vacation and sick time. But when I go home at night, I feel like a zombie.

It's been that kind of week. Not stellar, not horrific. Found out on Wednesday that Bubba needs to get tubes put in his ears again. The first set was put in about a year ago. He has fluid build-up in both ears that is affecting his hearing. And J. and I thought he was just being annoying by going "huh? huh?" all the time. It was a shitty mom experience very similar to LilCherie's last year. He'll have to have the surgery on Jan. 22. Sigh.

Started the day today with a wake-up from J. at 5:30 because Bubba was up and J. had only gotten to sleep two hours earlier. J. has insomnia issues but refuses to do anything about it, like commit to a regular sleeping routine or take something to make him drowsy or even sleep in the same place two nights in a row. And then I have to pay for it. But really, I didn't mind so much, because J. does most of the night-duty with Bubba. I got up and gave Bubba a bath, did his breathing treatment, gave him breakfast and then cleaned the entire house before coming to work. The house had to be cleaned because tonight we are going to a trivia contest fund-raiser and we had to hire one of J's coworkers to come babysit. I didn't want a babysitter, let alone a coworker of J.'s, see how we really live.

Then tomorrow night J. will be doing "board game night with the guys." Which of course I'm all for, since it makes me feel less guilty about my Girls' Nights. But it still means a night on my own which can get dicey sometimes and are always exhausting. I do not understand how people can have more than one child. It's really beyond my comprehension. I'm working with my therapist on my relationship with Bubba....when I'm up to it, I'll post a summary.

To end on a "lighter" note, I had a great 1-minute conversation with Johnny--whose name I found out this week--while riding the parking ramp elevator. We have often passed each other by the ramp because we both smoke and we both try to hide it from everyone else. We exchange pleasantries and nods when we pass one another. He's a very affable guy. Well, the other day I got on the elevator and he was there. I asked how he was doing and he said, "Lazy...I'm just riding up to the third floor to smoke." I replied that I was just going up to the fourth floor--also to smoke. We joked about how we have to hide it from everyone, especially with a smoking ban coming down soon that will encompass the entire health-sciences campus where we work. Then, like flame to match, this guy got completely pissed and said, "I'll tell you what--if I get busted after that smoking ban comes down I'm going out there and I'm smoking in the middle of that fuckin' street because I know it belongs to the city and not the university!"

Wow. I totally agree, but found his indigation, the righteous indignation of the segregated smoker, very amusing. Rock on, Johnny!