I have to say that I am really touched by everyone's supportive comments on my last post, especially after my being gone for months and sinking into lurkdom on everyone else's blogs. This is the part of blogging that I really enjoy. I guess I shouldn't be so surprised, because in a way, this is what brought me and Best Friend Tingle together--not blogging, but sharing our experiences on the SHARE message boards. Still, I appreciate it very much. Thank you!
It is so interesting to hear about everyone else's experiences. I was really intrigued, Aurelia, about your comment that people with ADD need their therapists to tell them what to do, but that if the spouse does that, it backfires. This struck me close to home because this is where a lot of stress in our relationship comes from--me asking J. to do something and him not doing it and then us fighting about it. Right now he is on Adderall, a fairly high dose I think. It doesn't seem to calm him down, however--I feel like it's made him more aggressive. He would disagree with me. He's seeing a therapist who specializes in adult ADD and we've heard good reports from several different people who have been treated by him...but I don't really know what they are working on in therapy because he "doesn't want to share." For all I know, J.'s spending his time there complaining about how stressed out he is at work or something.
Thrice, I go back and forth between thinking that therapy is really something that can help and then feeling like it's a con-job. I did have that thought today as I was sitting there listening to the therapist talk about how it's not surprising that J. doesn't do much around the house since in his "family of origin" the house was always a shithole. I sat there thinking "yeah, but we've been fighting about this for 14 years now...at this point, his 'forgetting' to do anything I ask him to do around the house can't be blamed on his mother." I mean, I'm not expecting miracles--I just want him to take the fucking laundry to the basement. I would like to think that if it's a choice between hauling the laundry and saving the marriage or playing PlayStation, he'd do the laundry, but so far, that hasn't been the case.
After meeting with the therapist today, I'm still kind of neutral. I think she was fine, if a little bit touchy-feely for my tastes. More importantly, J. liked her and felt comfortable there, and I think that's a bigger hurdle to have cleared. Today's session was pretty much the get-acquainted appointment where we tell her our long tale of woe, which generally takes about the full hour. I suppose next week we'll get into the nitty gritty.
This last few weeks has been such a struggle. I have had a headache almost every day since my sinus surgery two weeks ago, and this week they seem worse. Not worse like I have an infection or a complication, just worse in that I feel more aware of my sinuses themselves and there's pain that's probably a normal part of the healing process but still severely limits my ability to function. Anyway, I felt like crap tonight and of course, tonight is J.'s softball night, but to give credit where credit is due, he went to the game, called me to check how I was feeling, and came home immediately afterward instead of going out with the guys. And didn't even guilt-trip me about it. That was nice. Still, it adds to that feeling of failure I've been carrying around lately.
Then while he was getting Bubba to sleep I talked to Best Friend LilCherie on the phone, sucking her into my vortex of pain and making an unintentional yet bitchy nonetheless comment about her husband. I apologized to her but still feel like I want to make a public acknowledgment of it and tell her again that I am sorry and that I appreciate how she's stuck by me through all my shit and how she lets things slide when I'm in this mode. She's a true friend in every sense of the word.
Wow, this is so uplifting, isn't it? I do have a happy post planned for sometime soon about how much I am really enjoying my kid right now, so it won't all be gloom and doom forever, I promise!
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3 comments:
From my years on the couch, I think there is a stage when a therapist should point out things that you didn't know and be all sympathetic about it, and then there is a stage when they should call you on your shit and hold you accountable for it. Otherwise how would you ever change? It sounds like maybe your last therapist didn't get to the second part with J. My therapist has told me plenty of stuff that pissed me off and that I didn't like hearing, but it took a while. I guess they have to build up trust first. Anyway, I hope this therapist is useful for you in figuring things out one way or another.
And please don't worry about being a downer. I have been posting the same exact post about not getting enough sleep for four months. I'm just glad you're blogging again!
Hmmm, if J. is still having issues, then maybe he needs a 4:00 pm top up with a 4 hour dexadrine. Adderall can wear off after 8 hours in some people, and if he takes it early in the morning, it might be gone by the time he gets home.
As for the rest, he might do well to try using a Palm with reminders built in, or other outside cues to help him remember.
Additude magazine & website has a zillion resources and ideas, from special alarm clocks to coaches to software. I know there are several books that talk about being married to someone with ADD, and how to deal with it. They might have some good things to help?
Maybe subscribe and leave it around, or email him the site? that way it's more of a gentle hint instead of a point of contention.
And about him coming home early?
Adder's thrive on praise and whither on criticism. Whenever you catch him doing something right, tell him. Try to ignore the wrong things. Vent to us instead.
Playing playstation is a kind of escape for his brain, like a way of soothing and calming him. He needs to know that there are other places he can find that calm, like exercise, or doing something with you.
When you mentioned the agression, I wonder if that isn't a grief reaction to suddenly realizing that the world can be different. After a lifetime of frustration & confusion, he knows it never had to be that way, and it's a horrible discovery. Or at least it was for me.
Or I could be completely wrong, and speculating.
But I hope it helped.
I'm glad to hear you both seem to like your therapist. Not to take J's side, but I would probably not share with Sean everything that I talk about in therapy, because some of it is stuff he doesn't like about me - like being bitter or jealous of pregnant women. So, rather than feel judged by him, I just don't share.
I like what Melissa said, though - there comes a point for any responsible therapist to tell someone it's time to get their shit together. Therapists are supposed to give us (or help us find) the tools we need to cope or work through our feelings or whatever - if J's therapist isn't doing that, then what's the point?
Aurelia has some REALLY great insights, I'm going to have to check out her blog. It's nice to have someone who understands ADD and can give some good advice.
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