If only I were five years younger, beautiful, single, thin...you get the idea

I was up until 4 a.m. and still managed to haul myself out of bed before 11 a.m. this morning, all by myself! And, I'm feeling pretty decent, which is also unusual and pleasant.

It's a veritable heatwave in Iowa today. My morning smoke on the porch was actually enjoyable! We're at 43 degrees already. What a relief.

Over the past two days, I've been nursing a crush on one of J.'s friends that I met for the first time on Saturday when he came over to the house for the guy's night that turned into a party. J. warned me before he came over that he was "pretty good-looking" and that he was going back to school for "literature or something like that" (turns out he's studying to be an English teacher). I joked with J. that I couldn't be responsible for my behavior in this situation and that maybe he'd better think twice about having him to the house, but J. decided to risk it anyway.

He was the first to arrive, and I immediately saw that he was not "pretty good-looking" but, in fact, downright HOT. He looks like he's about 27 or so but is actually 31 (thereby making it possible for me to fantasize about him without feeling like a pedophile). He has close-cropped reddish brown hair and a nice scruff on the face. He has a soap opera name...man, I wish I could just write it here but oh my god if he Googled himself and found this he'd probably never come back to our house, and we do not want that to happen. So let's just call him....Nate, since I've always thought that name was sexy.

Nate's one of those people, like another friend of ours, Don, who we say "has the vibe" -- the irresistible combination of boyish charm, bad boy rebelliousness, and confidence that is like a, well, for lack of a better term, chick magnet. Unlike Don, this guy didn't have an asshole component, which made him all the more attractive.

It's been awhile since another man (or any man, really...let's be honest) had the effect of actually giving me a...physical reaction...just from looking at him. Nothing outlandish, now, but certainly a "fire in the loins." Not only is he physically attractive and engaged in the study of one of my favorite things--words--he also was completely laid-back, funny, and easy to laugh at my jokes. When everyone else was giving some pretty lackluster responses to my favorite party game , which is Let's Ask Fun, Embarrassing and/or and Difficult Questions to Get to Know Each Other, he was enthusiastic and into it. "Keep asking the questions, I wanna hear what you've got," he said.

As an added bonus, he "got into a lot of trouble" when he was in high school and early adulthood--minor stuff like getting into a fight or stealing something small--and has spent a night or two in jail. Hot, I tell you!

He brought my husband three books to read. Poetry by Leslie Marmon Silko; The Death of Vishnu by Manil Suri, which includes the phrase “In a fevered state, Vishnu looks back on his love affair with the seductive Padmini and wonders if he might actually be the god Vishnu, guardian of the entire universe,” on the back cover; and Bel Canto by Ann Patchett, which includes the review “the most romantic novel in years” on the back. I mean, could it get any better?

Well, it turns out that it could. He spoke freely about how he lost his virginity and how he once had sex with a “voodoo chick” in an empty church. He was funny and ribald, two of my favorite traits in a man. I was so smitten that I ended up using him as the muse for one of my erotic drawings, as well as a semi-depressing poem focusing on the fact that I'm old, fat, and ugly, and that my chances for getting this kind of action are pretty much completely gone for good. I'll include it here for your reading pleasure:

Middle Age Crush

When the first bird began chirping at 6:34,
I was sketching you in crayon and Sharpie
From memory and imagination.

You crushed me with your grin as you looked at my yearbook.
I was amazed at how swiftly you knocked me back to 15 years old and lip gloss and initials sunburned into my skin,
And how that made me feel every one of my 35 years more sharply:
Every extra pound more burdensome;
Every scar more sad and used.

In two days your energy will dissipate.
In four, I’ll laugh at my foolishness.
But this morning I picture you sleeping,
Your whiskered babyface drooling on the pillow,
And I just long to be next to you,
To bask in your adoration for just one night,
To feel the thrill of a longing fulfilled,
To be restored to what I might have been,
To be wanted for who I am.

I have been known to occasionally lust after someone on the bus or a group of college guys working on construction sites during the summer. But when the combination of attractive physicality mixes with my favorite things like humor, a sense of naughtiness, a willingness to reveal oneself and be interested in others’ revelations, and an appreciation for the written word, well, I honestly can’t fault myself for turning into a junior high school kid again.

It’s fun and only slightly painful. Do any of you have secret (or not-so-secret) crushes, or am I alone in my freakitude? Inquiring minds wanna know.