Thursday, January 03, 2008

Still here.

Thanks everyone for your comments on my last two posts. I really appreciate the support and the encouragement.

So I went to the psych yesterday (since we are a one-car family, I had to wait for J. to come pick me up. He was late!! Can you believe it? My appointment was at 11:45 and he got to our house at 11:43. That was helpful. If I would have been in a better mood, I would have laughed at the fact that all the way to the psych office, the song on the radio was "Love Isn't Always On Time.")
Anyway, she upped my dosage of Effexor. I'm not really sure this is going to be effective; the way she explained it is that at the dosage I was at (150 mg) it acts as a pure serotonin booster but at the higher dosage (225 mg) the norepinephrine part of it kicks in so it's almost like adding an additional medication. We'll see.

I also talked to her about the possibility of me having bipolar II, which I discovered recently in my obsessive googling. It's characterized by periods of deep depression alternating with periods of being in a really good mood but not quite mania, as well as the problem of antidepressants "pooping out" after a few months. I would put a link here but my computer has been infected, I think, with some kind of virus that hijacks my google searches so until I get that fixed googling is a pain in the ass. Anyway, it's a milder version of bipolar, and one of the big parts of it is that antidepressants don't really work for it--you have to use mood stabilizers instead. My doctor doesn't think I have that, but I'm not so sure. I didn't think I have the periods of really good mood, or hypomania, but when I talked to Tingle she thought I did. Anyway, my doctor said if we can't get things under control with the antidepressants then she can try adding in a mood stabilizer drug and see if it helps.

I didn't specifically talk to her about going to the hospital because I figured that she would be able to discern from my depressive symptoms whether or not I should go. I was completely honest with her. I was a little surprised, really, that my symptoms warranted nothing more than a few sample packs of Effexor and a "come back in two weeks." I mean, what warrants hospitalization? I told her how I was so depressed it was hard to move; that I was fantasizing about shooting myself in the basement (in the little-used bathroom down there, because I wondered how many days it would take J. to find me there); how I usually dismiss the suicide thought because of Bubba but that yesterday and the day before I was actually trying to talk myself into it by telling myself things like Bubba would be better off without having a psycho mother, etc. I admit I was a little disappointed that she didn't recommend the hospital. Is that sick? I guess I wanted some kind of break, to get out of this environment that seems to smother me, and to have my depression validated by something as serious as hospitalization so that my work wouldn't think I was just a fucking slacker.

So after my appointment yesterday I came home and went to bed. Sometime during the evening J. put Bubba in bed with me, thusly ensuring that I would be up every two hours or so every time Bubba cried, had a nightmare, needed to go potty or needed cream on his butt because he's had some itching issues from a large poop a few days ago. Meanwhile J. sat in the living room and played on the computer.

This morning I woke up when Bubba did, at 7 or so, and came out into a complete disaster of a house. Candy wrappers, movies all over the place, Bubba's toys strewn all over, dirty clothes on the floor, dirty dishes all over the kitchen. It really pissed me off that J. couldn't take 15 minutes to at least straighten things up a little bit. Sometimes I am amazed at what an asshole he is. Then I think I'm being a jerk because I should at least be grateful that he takes care of Bubba when I'm incapacitated for whatever reason. Then I think, well, Bubba's his kid too, and I manage to take care of him AND clean up the house, so why can't he?

So to update you on the sex issue, I woke J. up on Tuesday night and made him read my letter, which outlined in humiliating detail exactly what I was hoping for on Monday and why he hurt my feelings, etc. His response was that he was sorry, he "just wasn't on the same wavelength" as I was. That he just didn't "pick up on the vibe." When I said that maybe the bigger question is why he didn't think of it himself, he responded that our last six months or so of pretty much avoiding each other was still affecting his behavior. I told him I was dealing with the same stuff but still was managing to overcome it to try to make our relationship better. I can't really remember the last time he initiated sex. He said he's afraid of rejection. Ain't that a kick in the pants? Jesus.

So I'm home again today, but feeling a little bit better after my sleep marathon. I am hoping to go into work again tomorrow. I still feel tired, so I'll probably sleep some more. Tonight are the caucuses in Iowa and I really wanted to go and caucus for Barack, but I'm not sure I'm up for it. We'll see how it goes. I feel an obligation because even after this depression lifts, I'll still be living in this country, and I really want to have some influence on who will be running it.

Thanks again everyone for reading and commenting.

7 comments:

Nicole said...

Sorry I missed your last post, my friend. I am so glad to see that you are taking good steps to take care of yourself and keeping up communication with the husband. For what it's worth, I am Bipolar II. If you need to know anything, please leave me a comment and I will write to you via the email address I actually use.

charmedgirl said...

i totally get the desire to be admitted. it's part of the whole frustration of it; the desperation to get the F out. the hope that maybe if the environment changes, something will change inside of you, too.

it pretty much doesn't. in fact, i've seen soulmate friend come out worse than she went in. the medications, the comatose state, the despair. trying to get the medications right has been the worst of it, and i think the doctors in those places- when nothing seems to work- just medicate to sedate. kwim?

i am not trying to discourage you from getting the help you need. if you are a danger to yourself, GET TO THE HOSPITAL ASAP. GO TO THE ER and then have them call your dr. your bubba will NEVER, EVER, be better off without you. EVER.

i think i'm saying too much. if i'm being an asshole, please tell me and i will stop. k?

Me said...

I just found your blog not very long ago. Consequently I don't know the intimate and sorted details of the things that you refer to generally... BUT... I just wanted to say that my husband NEVER initiates sex. NEVER. There is not much in this world more deflating to one's self esteem than not having your partner indicate that they want to be with you physically.

Cass said...

I really don't think hospitalization would be that beneficial to you--other than for you to see that you really are not as messed up as you feel you are. You can't hold a candle to some of the individuals I have encountered throughout my career in the human services world--you would be amazed.

I am glad that you are doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. I know depression feels pretty horrible when you are in the middle of it. Let me know if you need anything! Its kind of weird getting updates on how you are doing from the internet--but I guess it is working for now!

I love ya!

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you saw your DR. I think your husband needs meds too! You are the most important person to Bubba. Take care.

Melissa said...

Maybe your psychiatrist thinks you're tougher than you think you are? That sounds really frustrating. Don't feel like you have to wait two weeks to talk to her again if you are feeling worse. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Tingle said...

As you know, I've had to recently start on a higher dose of depression meds, too. Although I don't think I get that "norepinephrine" boost like you do!

I really think bipolar II makes sense for you.

Also, I continue to believe that if you FEEL like you need to go to the hospital, then GO! If you feel you are a danger to yourself or can't control your impulses, then GO! If you have to choose between the hospital and killing yourself, I hope you'll choose the hospital!

S. has used that same excuse for not initiating sex - that he's afraid of rejection. Maybe they are working from the same manual. Or same brain!

Charmedgirl is right - Bubba would NEVER be better off without you. None of us would be. Have you ever known someone whose parent killed themself? Those people are F*%$ed up!