"I have to say, though, I've been depressed and I grew up with a depressed mother, and I'm not sure the depression will go away just because J isn't there."
That's a really good point, and one that I probably haven't given enough thought to. I keep coming back to the fact that I feel worse about myself when I'm around J. than I do when I'm around anyone else, or when I'm by myself. Yet maybe I'm using J. as a dumping ground for my depression--or, more accurately, perhaps a trigger that allows me to "legitimately" wallow in my depression. And even if that is the case, is it healthy for me to stay with him? I'd like to try some kind of trial separation but have no idea how we could afford to arrange that. But anyway, Melissa, I appreciate this insight and I'm going to give it some thought and probably a go-round with my therapist (whom I see tomorrow, luckily).
So on to the update:
I fully intended to have a "big discussion" with J. last night, but we both fell asleep in front of the TV roughly ten minutes after we got Bubba to bed. This morning I awoke to Bubba giving me a kiss bye-bye. My entire conversation with J. today went like this:
D: [still in bed] Are you guys going already?
J: [walking down the hallway to the kitchen] Yeah, I have a lot to get done at work.
D: Don't forget to take Bubba's cot blanket and blankie to school!
J: What???? [bitchily, from the kitchen]
D: [Loudly and bitchily] DON'T FORGET TO TAKE BUBBA'S COT BLANKET AND BLANKIE TO SCHOOL!!!!! [I get up to follow them to the kitchen]
J: Jesus Christ, you didn't have to bellow at me like that!
D: Well, you didn't have to ask "what?" so bitchily.
J: Well my ear's plugged up and Bubba's talking and I couldn't hear you!
Then they left.
I got on the bus today and saw my bus-friend M. She's 55 years old, has two grown sons, and we've shared a lot about our frustrations with motherhood and marriage while riding to and from work. I hadn't seen her for a long time, so as we were catching up she casually mentioned that she and her husband had decided to get divorced. I stopped her there and told her I hadn't known that. I told her I was in the middle of trying to decide what to do right now. It was kind of helpful, in a way, to talk to someone who was going through similar stuff. She and her husband were high school sweethearts, just like J. and I were, and over the past several years things had just deteriorated. They're selling their house this spring in order to pay off debt and split whatever assets were left. She said, "Here I am, 55 years old, and I won't have a nickel to my name. But I'll have my job, and I'll be able to start over. A friend told me that this chapter in my life was ending and I just had to let it go, and I realize that she's right, even though it hurts like hell." It seemed odd that I met up with this friend today.
When I got to work, I found an email in my box, a response from J. to a message I'd sent yesterday about how we needed to talk. He responded that he agreed, that he "didn't like the tension in the house."
Then, just now, he calls me up just to "check in." He sounded all friendly. He told me he'd just visited with his therapist and had actually talked to her about us, rather than their usual discussions about movies and trivia. I told him I was feeling pretty much the same. A pause ensued. Then I explained that I didn't really want to start "the discussion" on the phone at work. So we said goodbye and that was that. I hate how he treats me like shit and then decides to be nice to me. It's confusing and makes everything murkier.
So I think we will probably talk tonight. If we can stay up later than Bubba, that is.
I'd be interested to know, from those reading here, what makes your relationships work (if they are working, that is) and whether or not you have been through times like this and if so, how you ended up dealing with it. In short, I want to learn from the good or bad stories you might have to share.
2 comments:
Melissa does make a really good point - I've been depressed and grew up with a depressed mom, too. And, when she and my dad got divorced, the depression didn't go away. But I think she did feel more empowered to be more proactive about her care.
You know I've been through ups and downs, but when I look back at them, even though I think of them as relationship ups and downs, they were really my personal ups and downs that came out in relationship issues. It was either depression, stress, anxiety, grief, or something else that was underneath it all, and then I'd snap and fight with S.
That's not to say he doesn't annoy the crap out of me sometimes, but I think the more I'm learning to cope with the way he is (mono-emotional), the more open he is with me.
I should also point out that I don't consider my relationship "working," that's for sure. But maybe we're just working on it.
I would consider my relationship with C working well, but it's taken a lot of work to get it that way! I think a lot of it has to do with the way we fight. We used to have terrible fights and I would come out of them feeling hopeless and like we could never resolve our differences. Now when we fight, I feel like it was just a fight, usually brought on by stress or a misunderstanding, and that it doesn't affect our basic relationship.
Over the years we have set up several rules for fighting. One of them is that we're not allowed to use "you-talk" (like "you never do this, you always do that") and we're not allowed to call each other names. These rules help the fight remain productive and not ugly. Another is that we're not allowed to mention divorce. This keeps the fight from escalating--instead of saying I want a divorce, which really upsets C and hurts his feelings, I usually end up saying something like "I'm feeling really hopeless and upset," which he can empathize with.
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