Opportunities to love

Right now I am at home recovering from my latest medical issue. In 1994 and 1996, I had surgeries to remove a polyp from my ureter (the tube between your bladder and your kidney). I did fine after that until last month when I got a weird bladder infection, so I went to the urologist to have it checked out. A contrast IVP x-ray showed there was some scar tissue there, and the doctor wanted to check it out more thoroughly, so yesterday I had a cystoscopy and retrograde x-ray, where they put a scope in your bladder, look around, and then shoot dye up into the kidney and take images to see if everything is flowing properly. He found a flap of something in my ureter, so he put a stent (a small tube) in it to stretch the ureter out, and in two weeks I'll go under general anesthesia and he'll look in there with a ureteroscope. Until then, I have to live my life with a tube hanging out between my bladder and my kidney. Anyone who has had a kidney stone will know the kind of pain I was in yesterday and last night, in spite of generous administrations of pain medication. Today, I'm feeling a little better, but still at home because it pretty much hurts to move around.

I don't understand why I have had so many health problems. J. says he thinks I'm paying off some kind of karmic debt. I sometimes think that I'm cursed in some way; other times, I just think I'm unlucky. I think my boss and my coworkers are probably starting to think I'm a hypochondriac, but the difference here is that almost always, there really IS something wrong with me, so it's not all in my head.

It's really disheartening when I have to give my health history to the nurse in preparation for surgery. Even to myself, I sound like a freak. Here's the rundown of everything "major" that has happened to me healthwise. I'm not counting pneumonia, bladder infections, pyloric stenosis or broken bones as a child.

1991: Pilonidal cyst on my tailbone
1994: Polyp in ureter
1996: Polyp in ureter and kidney stone
1998-2004: Infertility/polycystic ovarian syndrome
2001: Two surgeries for abscess on vulva
2002: Two more surgeries for said abscess on vulva
2003: Lost my daughter due to incompetent cervix, D&C two weeks later for hemmorrhaging related to retained placenta
2004: Pregnant with Bubba--cervical cerclage at 12 weeks, bedrest for three weeks, Bubba born six weeks early
2004: Five weeks after Bubba's birth, incision and drainage of abscess on buttcheek
2004-2005: Postpartum depression
2006: Yet another surgery for abscess on vulva
2006: Recurrent sinus infections, CT reveals nasal polyps and deviated septum
2006: Bladder infection/cystoscopy/ureteroscopy

In addition to all that, I always have to tell the hospital about my irregular heartbeat that I had to have checked out with a Holter monitor (it's okay, they say, but I'm still not 100 percent convinced) and my gastroesophageal reflux.

I know I don't take care of myself the way I should, but I also don't feel like my health habits are that much worse than a lot of people who don't have problems like this. I'm overweight and I smoke, those are the biggies. I rarely exercise. But I eat a fairly healthy diet, I get plenty of rest, I get things checked out immediately and don't let health problems fester. So what's the deal?

Today I did manage to get to my therapy appointment, and had a great session about how I feel that I'm a burden to others because of all my health issues. I sometimes feel that I let people down or make other people sad because I'm always sick with something. I especially feel like a burden on J. at times, because he always has to take me to appointments when I'm being sedated and he had to tend to my needs and listen to me moaning in pain when the procedure is over.

My wonderful therapist helped me explore those feelings today, and I feel like I made some interesting discoveries. I realized that if these things were going on with J. or one of my good friends, I wouldn't feel let down or burdened; instead, I'd welcome the opportunity to try to help in some way. That led me to the thought that "crises" such as my health problems can be seen as an opportunity for a deeper love between people who care about each other. Getting through these things with my loved ones by my side deepens and strengthens our relationships to one another and adds some kind of richness to my life that wouldn't be there otherwise. I had never really thought of that possibility until today.

My therapist and I are working on compassion and forgiveness--toward myself, toward J., and toward others who have hurt me in the past, and it's really freeing. It is so easy to tell myself how terrible I am or how much of a failure I am, and much harder to treat myself as I would treat a friend or lover. I'm learning to do that now, and it's really an awesome feeling. I leave her office feeling light as air, and I'm finding that even without trying, little changes in my life are bubbling to the surface.

So that's where I'm at today. I hope anyone reading this will take a minute to look inside themselves and give themselves some compassion and love. Realize that you are only human and that nobody is perfect. Realize that you do the best you can with the tools you have, and that you are worthy of the same love you give so selflessly to your loved ones.