Envy and the Insomniac

Last night I was watching "Sex and the City" because it was the only thing on at midnight and also because I have a love-hate relationship with the show. I love it because I wish that was the life I led.

Wouldn't it be great to be thin, beautiful (or at least have people act like you are; I've never really seen the attraction of Sarah Jessica Parker), and have a cool job like writing a sex column where all you had to do was sit in your funky New York City apartment smoking and writing about your endlessly fascinating sex/love life on your cool laptop computer?

Wouldn't it be awesome to actually have an endlessly fascinating sex/love life?

Wouldn't it be cool to meet "the girls" for breakfast, lunch or dinner every day?

Wouldn't it be cool to somehow have enough money to buy the latest fashions AND be able to pull them off without looking ridiculous?

Wouldn't it be fabulous to have the perfect gay male friend, and to have endless invitations to go to Brazil or Paris to be some handsome, rich man's concubine?

Wouldn't it be fun to spend the evening bouncing from cool nightclub to fancy restaurant to handsome man's apartment?

I hate "Sex and the City" because....well, because it isn't the life I lead.

This morning I woke up, made breakfast for my toddler and gave him his nebulizer treatment, dressed him and then picked out my clothes for the day: a jean skirt I bought somewhere around 5 years ago that's about one size too small now, so I had to do the hands-in-the-waistband squat maneuver just to stretch it out enough to button; a Lane Bryant button-down shirt I've had for about...again, 5 years, I guess; and a new pair of blue tights that even at size "4" (read: huge) were almost unable to go past my thighs. In fact, in order to stretch them out, I stuffed two full-sized pillows in the waist and butt area of the tights and left them like that while I took my shower.

I am lucky that I get to see "the girls" -- or at least, "the girl" (LilCherie) -- almost every week. Getting my "girls" together would involve coordinating with LilCherie and H., as well as my friend Tingle hopping a plane or driving for 8 hours.

I write PR materials for health colleges. BORING.

I can't smoke inside my house because I have a child.

I can't sit around and write witty observations about my fascinating sex/love life because a) I don't have one, and b) there's too much laundry/childcare/food preparation/dishes/laundry/childcare/food preparation/dishes to have time for it.

I have a few gay male friends, but it's not like we "hang out" very much. We don't meet to go shopping on Saturdays or anything because we aren't that close and...

...I never have any money.

I've never been invited to Brazil or Paris to be some handsome, rich man's concubine. In fact, I've only been hit on perhaps five times in my entire life. A dork in high school (not the same one I married--he never even hit on me. I chased him.); a couple of drunk guys in college; an older, portly, drunk guy from Jordan who had a cockroach-infested apartment (and the only reason I know that is because I was drunk and stupid and frankly, desperate for some attention. It never went any further than a quick dance in his living room and then an even quicker exit); and LilCherie's ex-boyfriend (again, drunk as a skunk).

I don't want to hear any pablum about how much more rewarding my life is because I have real struggles and triumphs and Bubba and a committed relationship and the women portrayed on SATC are so shallow, blah blah blah. It's a fantasy, I know, but damn! It makes me feel like my life sucks. And yet, I can't look away.

I think they should do a kind of Sex and the City II more along the lines of my life and the lives of those I hang with. I have a few ideas for titles, depending on which way you want to go with it:

1. Coitus and the Country.
2. Sex and the Silos.
3. Celibacy and the Soybeans.
4. Sex and the Cornbelt.
5. Fridigidy and the Farmland.
6. Boredom and the Boondocks (or, if you prefer, "Boredom and the BuFu").
7. Doldrums and the Dairyland.

Maybe I'll come up with a serial here on the blog, going by whatever title wins by most votes. So c'mon, all you lurkers, all two of you that I KNOW are out there, cast your vote now for the next big hit!

More to come...