Dear Abby: You Suck

Today I checked in on Aurelia's blog and found mention of an infuriating Dear Abby question and response today. I clicked over and ended up sending my own letter to Abby. I know Abby is a moron, but unfortunately a lot of other morons listen to her advice, so I felt compelled. I'm including it all here.

The offending letter and response:

DESK PHOTO OF STILLBORN BABY CREATES AWKWARD OFFICE ISSUE

DEAR ABBY: I am writing on behalf of my friends at work. We have a co-worker, "Madge," who had a stillborn baby last year. It was tragic. Our problem is, she keeps a photo of the deceased infant with its little eyes sewn shut on her desk in plain view, so that if we must interact with her (we have an open cubicle layout) we have to see it.

Is this appropriate? Ninety percent of the employees here are women. Most are appalled. Others say, "Well, it's all she has."

Madge is expecting again, and we are rooting for her and the baby. However, in addition to all this, she is mean and gossipy. Madge tells everyone what to do and how to do it -- which is not in her job description. I hope that when the baby arrives she will soften and not be so bitter. But, Abby, how on earth do we blow off that photo? -- APPALLED IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR APPALLED: While a person's desktop is usually private territory, I agree that the photograph you describe is inappropriate in an office environment. Because Madge feels the need to keep the picture of her stillborn baby close, it should be kept in her purse with other family photos, or in her desk drawer.

How very sad that poor woman must be. The person who should deal with this delicate problem is the boss or the supervisor.

And my response:

Dear Abby:
I was saddened by your response to "Appalled in the Midwest," whose coworker keeps a photo of her stillborn child on her desk. You advised that the photo is "inappropriate in an office environment" and that the coworker should keep the photo hidden.

I had a daughter who was born at 21 weeks gestation and lived for only nine minutes. I keep her photo on my desk at work alongside the photo of my subsequent, and thankfully healthy, son.

To "Appalled in the Midwest" and the other 90 percent of her coworkers who are "appalled," I say suck it up. Any awkwardness or distress they feel when looking at this photo pales in comparison to the devastating pain this woman has experienced and is still experiencing.

Perhaps rather than being concerned about how to "blow off that photo," Madge's coworker should direct her energies to understanding what it must take for Madge to just get up in the morning, let alone come to work with such insensitive coworkers.

One of the most distressing things about losing a child in pregnancy or infancy is the thought that people will forget that this child existed. Keeping photos or other reminders hidden adds to this distress and implies that there is something shameful about our dead children.

My daughter is not grotesque and is not shameful. If people aren't able to see the beauty of such innocent little lives when they look at our photos of them, then they are the ones who should be ashamed.

Furthermore, whether or not this woman is mean, gossipy or bitter is irrelevant. I sincerely hope the woman's current pregnancy is a success, but regardless of the outcome, some understanding, sensitivity and compassion from her coworkers would go a long way toward making Madge more agreeable at the office.

There are organizations that help educate the general public about the emotional effects of pregnancy and infant loss; one of the best is SHARE Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support, Inc. You can access information at their website, www.nationalshareoffice.com/ I suggest that "Appalled in the Midwest"— and you, Abby — start learning about how to really help those who have suffered the tragic loss of a child in pregnancy or shortly after.