Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Why Men's Asses Stink So Bad

Inspired by Tingle's comment on my last post, I decided to put a few theories out there. Here are my thoughts.

Why Men's Asses Stink So Bad
1. They're too lazy to wipe their butts adequately after a dump.
2. After they take a dump, if not interrupted, they sit there for an average of 25 minutes reading a magazine. I posit that during this time, poo particles crust onto their skin and are not removed due to the inadequate wipe, which leads us to....
3. Later, rehydrated by the man's sweat, the particles release themselves into the underwear, causing the all-too-familiar skidmark and emitting that familiar odor of butt.
4. They purposely cultivate a little shitgarden down there just to annoy us.
5. They're too lazy to actually bend over or use soap in the crack area during their 30-second showers.
6. More hair down there (see #2 --ha ha, get it?--of this post.)
7. It helps them recognize each other in the wild.
8. The jalapeno burger for lunch, the Triple X chili at the Superbowl Party, Tabasco sauce on everything, the strange desire to prove to other men that they can eat something that's really hot...it adds up.
9. Moist farts.
10. Their ability to go an entire weekend without showering or shaving--and still leave the house and carry on with their normal business--even when they are completely healthy.
11. It's a diversionary tactic to try to get us to stop asking them about their feelings.

I know you all must have some good ones to add to this list. Let's hear 'em!

14 comments:

Trish said...

I can tell that much thought and scientific anal-isys went into this ass-essment.
And by george I think you've got it!!
'Spot' on.
I have another critical issue for you to hypothsize. Why do men leave skid marks?
I, myself, have been wondering all day, as I also use my sons flushable butt wipes on my derrier, why they are call "Good Times"
Thanks for the laugh!!

Tingle said...

You are brilliant! My theories have always been he just doesn't wipe well enough or wash well enough - and also the moist farts thing, because he has actually admitted this to me when I've confronted him about his skids. "Sometimes, I think it's just a fart, but a little something comes out with it." AKA, a "shart."

I think your theory #3 is particularly brilliant, and I think that is quite possibly IT!

I also wonder about skid marks - if I had skid marks like my husband leaves, I would throw away the undies and really start to think about why it's happening and do something about it.

I admit, there are occassions when I'll leave a mini-skid - maybe I didn't wipe well enough, or I should have used a wipe and didn't, or maybe I'm having some caustic gas issues and something came out. But, again, if it's really bad, I throw the undies away, but usually it just washes out.

Even with Spray-n-wash and washing all the whites with REAL bleach, his skids STILL don't come out. I've given up, but I have found a great trick...

only buy him black underwear! If there are any skids, at least you (and everyone else) won't have to look at them.

Aurelia said...

Well, I like Tingle's idea of the black underwear...and I really really like #11.

In fact, I think you have reached the definitive list, my dear.

Really.

Cate said...

ewww, skid marks. I think men smell because they are rotten on the inside. Eventually those "snips and snails and puppy dog tails" were going to start decomposing.

Meredith said...

I read this list out loud to B and he agreed with 6, 8, and 9 but vehemently disagreed with the others. I can attest to the fact that he takes long showers and soaps up in all the right places. :-)

List made us laugh. Thanks!

Chris said...

Now we just need another thread entitled: "Why females are delusional and think their asses don't stink so bad."

I'd do it but I have more important things to do.

addios said...

yuckkks..all the reasons of skid sound too disgusting but i know few facts
-Men will be men, so they will continue to b lazy, food gobblers, anti-bathers on weekends,etc

Men please be real men
Practice clean habits
wash ur terriers with abundant water, then tissue
always shave pubic,anal hair
wear undies washed with dettol
bath regulary, reach all areas of ur body
spray fresh deos,use cool colognes,
use listerine, use good moisturizers, oil hair regularly, have a mint handy...
Be a Man of magnetic personality..and charm ur lady

Anonymous said...

lolol!!! thats some funny shit!! ( no pun intended ) seriously , men who have DOODY STAINS IN THEIR DRAWS IS NOT COOL LOL!!! just wash ur ass & be happy:-)

Anonymous said...

I've always said that women wipe from front to back Everytime they use the restroom and they wipe . Since we pee more often than poop in general, this means women have more opportunities to wipe up dried poo that rehydrated with the sweat of the day than men. I've heard from men who are self conscious about this type of thing that a wet wipe

August said...

I'm just curious why women are so stuck-up and that they think (or want to think) that their asses never stink?

So you're saying the woman who has been at work all day, probably farted a couple times, maybe did a #2 in the restroom at work, then went to do yoga and get on the treadmill after work -- her ass doesn't stink at the end of the day?

Also, I'm one of those guys who is obsessive about wiping and cleaning. I never use regular toilet paper, but rather wet wipes. If at home, I'll even take a mini-shower after a dump. If at work or in public and I didn't bring wet wipes, I'll grab paper towels, soak them in water, add liquid soap, and use them as improvised "wipes." I normally try to stay waxed & trimmed down there.

The main explanation for why men get skid marks is due to hair. Followed by men on average not being as concerned about appearance and hygiene as women.

But the fact is, there are dirty women too, and there are clean men.

"Moist farts" is not gender-specific. Women have moist farts too. This is bordering on women claiming they don't even poop at all.

But I'm gonna hit all you snooty (arrogant) women with the shocker: women get skid marks too.

First, even the second responder "Tingle" admits she gets skid marks for time to time. Good for her. Most women are afraid to admit this -- I mean, how could they, given that these women self-righteously like to talk down to men who get skid marks? It would be embarrassingly hypocritical & humiliating if they did admit to it.

But I will talk about a female friend of mine who is a nurse. I got to talking to her about women having skid marks. She told me about how part of her job consists of her having to remove patient's clothing -- female patients' clothing, since the patient may be too injured or sick to remove their clothing themselves. She stated emphatically, that YES, she has seen women's skid marks on a number of occasions. And these are elderly women are very small children. These are grown women old enough to wipe themselves on their own. She says she has seen her fair share of skid marks on women.

I think women chastise men over skid marks, because these women get skid marks themselves and need to project and create a diversion. Every single woman who responded, including the woman who made this blog post, has had skid marks before. I guarantee it.

Norma Padro said...

This seems to be a very interesting subject. It's very educational too. This is very natural. The body has odors too. Taking showers every day takes away certain body odors. The skid marks are normal. Even urine leaves marks on underwear. I never worry about my underwear. I usually purchase dark underwear. About wiping well if there is nothing on the toilet sheet after a few times of wiping then that means the area is clean. I never worry about smells, because everyone smells. I just take showers every day. Sometimes two times a day. It's funny the subject I was looking for was why some men are fixated with smelling their asses or someone elses. I was watching this show on t.v. last night and this man said this other man was sitting on his hand and that it was still warm. The other man went towards him and smelled his hand. I was thinking why do they do this. Another show I was watching was about this guy putting his fingers on his sister's face and asking her which finger smelled like ass. I couldn't believe what I was watching. It just makes me think that television is getting out of hand at times.

Norma Padro said...

This seems to be a very interesting subject. It's very educational too. This is very natural. The body has odors too. Taking showers every day takes away certain body odors. The skid marks are normal. Even urine leaves marks on underwear. I never worry about my underwear. I usually purchase dark underwear. About wiping well if there is nothing on the toilet sheet after a few times of wiping then that means the area is clean. I never worry about smells, because everyone smells. I just take showers every day. Sometimes two times a day. It's funny the subject I was looking for was why some men are fixated with smelling their asses or someone elses. I was watching this show on t.v. last night and this man said this other man was sitting on his hand and that it was still warm. The other man went towards him and smelled his hand. I was thinking why do they do this. Another show I was watching was about this guy putting his fingers on his sister's face and asking her which finger smelled like ass. I couldn't believe what I was watching. It just makes me think that television is getting out of hand at times.

Anonymous said...

lol u mad bro?

edward matson said...

Chris you are awesome lol