...my marriage is in deep shit. Could it be that we never eat supper (or any other meal) together? Or is it that we never sleep in the same room since J. always wants to sleep on the couch? Maybe it's the fact that we haven't had sex since somewhere around October? Or that we can't keep ourselves from fighting even when our innocent and oh-so-patient friends are around? Or that we don't discuss our 'issues' so nothing ever gets better? Oh, there are so many things, so many places to start...or to end. Therapist says the "basic tenets" of marriage are eroding for J. and me and if we care about that we need to at least try to restore things like eating and sleeping together as a starting place.
I discussed the unconditional love issue with Therapist and she didn't give me any yes or no answers on that question. But what evolved from this conversation was another question I have about myself. Often when J. and I are embroiled in fighting or just indifference, I think to myself, "If I could just be a 'better' wife [and by that I mean be more loving, more patient, more appreciative, and not expect much in return] would J. respond to it? Would it help our marriage? These questions need to be answered for myself if for no other reason, Therapist said. So I have almost decided to give this a shot--a real, wholehearted, committed, grit-my-teeth, swallow a lot of shit (and maybe other stuff) -- for a month, a) to see if I can actually do it; b) to see if J. takes from my example and starts returning the love; and c) to answer this question for myself, so that I will know that I've at least tried this thing to keep our marriage alive. In order to keep myself accountable, I'm going to try to post updates on "Operation Deep Swallow" on this blog so my many readers can keep me in line and offer suggestions.
My first question to you would be this: How would you go about trying to make your husband/significant other/partner feel appreciated and loved? Any suggestions gladly accepted. Watch for more "Deep Swallow" updates in future.
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2 comments:
Hey--
It is kind of weird to hear about your day by reading it on the web...but I guess I should just accept this as part of the 2000's. Anyway, that really sucks. Hmmm...I am not a big believer in "unconditional love". One of the only times I think that it truly applies is between parents and their kids. I think there are some conditions on about every relationship...even if you don't notice it. I think the best you can do right now is what you said in your post. Put an honest effort forth for a set amount of time and see how things are at the end of that time. I really hate to see you be miserable...I think you have so much to offer someone in a relationship. I love both you and J and I hate to see your relationship end but I really just want both of you to be happy. And right now I know that both of you are not happy. Something has to change for you. I dont know if I have any great words of wisdom in this realm. But the only person you can control in this situation is yourself and I think you are doing all you can. I just want you to know that I am here to talk to about this...in real life!! and that I care about you!!
I will talk to you soon!
I love you
Lil' Cherie
On the unconditional love thing, I want to believe in it, but it's not something I think is possible in every relationship.
I think I love my nephew unconditionally, but I don't think I love my husband that way.
The rest of my 2 cents you got yesterday and I'm not rehashing that here because I feel bad about being so annoying. Maybe I should be called "Bitchy Tingle."
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