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Top 10 Weird Moments in My Life

(in no particular order, and accurate only as far as what comes to mind tonight)

1. When I was about six years old, I distinctly remember looking out the kitchen window with my sister, who was 14 at the time, and seeing the fire hydrant outside our house engulfed in flames, in the middle of a snowdrift on a crystal clear winter night. No shit.

2. At J.'s father's visitation, the priest was giving his sermon (or whatever those wacky Catholics call it when it's at a visitation), and he said, completely seriously, that "Jesus was very busy with the hustle and bustle of miracle-working." Sitting in the family row on the side of the room, holding a borrowed rosary, I busted out laughing and had to cover my mouth to try to pretend that I was just sobbing hysterically. J. began laughing too, and I don't think anyone was fooled.

3. When I was in fifth grade, I was taking dance lessons that began right after school. It took about half an hour to get there so there was always a time crunch, therefore I dressed in my leotard before school was out and put my regular clothes over it. One day, I was wearing a short-sleeved blue terrycloth-like dress and didn't know what to do because my long-sleeved leotard would show awkwardly under the short-sleeved dress. So I made a critical and yet tragically flawed decision to just wear the leotard without any clothes over it back to class for the last five minutes of the day. Everyone laughed at me for wearing my "underwear" to class. I'm still scarred.

4. About six months ago, going to a "meditation maze" in the middle of a wooded area at a nun-run spa place with LilCherie at 10:30 p.m. on a cold night. We just walked around this little circular maze made in sand with stone borders to keep you going in the right direction, sometimes passing each other, sometimes walking behind or in front of one another. As if this isn't weird enough, we began to hear strange beastly noises from the woods, like a mix between a roar, a snuffle and howl all at once, with lots of noise in the brush as it was moving around. What the???

5. Getting the closest I've ever been to your traditional idea of "hysterical." I'd gone to the ER with J. because I had an infected abscess in my crotch that was proving to be a chronic issue, and it was kinda major--like, IV antibiotics, I really cannot walk without crying, take a week or two off of work, systemic illness type stuff. I knew what they were going to do to me--cut it open, drain it out, root around in there with a big Q-Tip and then pack it with gauze to let heal for several weeks, and I knew how fucking painful it was going to be. I snapped. When the nurse left, I threw on my clothes and told J. "I'm just not going to do it. I'm leaving. I don't care if this kills me." My voice sounded very odd to me, I'd never heard it that way before, like one of those "calm in a very creepy, cuckoo!" voices. Despite J.'s pleas I started walking to the door. I told the nurse I was heading out for a smoke and didn't wait for her reaction before I walked straight back through the ER and out the door. I lit up a smoke, J. came after me, and I really just began gibbering profanely about how I wasn't going to do it and nobody could make me and I didn't care if I died, etc. Just like in the movies, J. had to take me by the shoulders and shake me and say something to the effect of "Get ahold of yourself!" It worked and I went back in but wow. I freaked myself out.

6.Watching an old videotape of one of my dance recitals from when I was about 12 and realizing, "You know what? I really wasn't very good at dancing," after years of believing that I really was awesome at it.

7. Looking at the mole on my husband's best friend's penis.

8. Flashing my tits to a trucker who was passing us on the road (in my defense, he did have "Show Me Your Tits" written in the dust on the back of his rig). This might not seem that weird to some people out there, but it really kinda was to me. Especially since I was severely depressed that evening until I did this, and found that it lifted my spirits (and hopefully the trucker's) considerably.

9. Making a ceramic cast of my "snaggle nail" -- a little nail shard that grows on the nailbed of my big toe -- while my friend Tingle made a cast of her breast, which she feels has freakishly small nipples (they aren't by the way. They're petite and cute and just like the nipples I always wished I had!). FYI, I had my big toenails permanently removed years ago, but this little fighter just couldn't be defeated that easily, so now he just grows out of the middle of my left big toe and I get to shave him down now and then. We then presented these to our husbands as gifts with the notes "S., you're the breast!" And to J., "I love you TOE much!" I later had the snaggle nail cast mounted on a base with the note engraved on a brass plate. And J. hasn't taken it to work yet!!!!

10. That time I in memorized all the books of the Bible for Sunday School so that I could get a religious bookmark with my name on it. Okay, that's probably not one of the weirdest moments in my life, but I'm tired, okay?

Do you know of a weird moment in my past that I'm not remembering? Feel free to add to the list!