Friday, February 24, 2006

Training bras and Easter dresses

Tonight I had to run into K-Mart for some diapers. It was a "surgical strike" trip as we call them, a "get in, get out as fast as you can" emergency run. Bubba and J. were waiting in the car and it was getting perilously close to Bubba's supposed bedtime (he actually stayed up until 9 p.m. tonight...surprise!)

Anyway, I'm cruising through the baby section to get to the diapers and I see little pink Easter dresses hanging on the racks at the front of the section. Even in my haste I stopped for a moment and looked before heading to the checkout counter.

Later, as I was thinking about the moment, it struck me as odd how the yearly commercial ritual of the Easter dress has become a moment that brings me to my daughter, my little girl I lost in 2003 (see "My life in a long nutshell" post if you're confused).

When I first lost Hope, I had no idea of all the things that would remind me of her. The first year, in fact, nearly everything did. It was either a commercial on TV featuring a little baby girl or a pregnant woman selling cocoa butter cream for stretch marks, or the "stroller brigade" at the mall. If it didn't remind me of Hope, it reminded me of Hope's absence. The empty house, the Christmas without a little baby for us to fuss over, the empty yellow room that was supposed to be her nursery.

Over time, many of those reminders dropped away, or if not disappeared, have moved to a different part of my emotional landscape. The commercials and the stroller brigade I now look at and remember the agony they caused me just a couple of years ago, but I don't really feel it now. Our house is now loud with Bubba's squeals, laughter and crying, and the yellow room is now my son's nursery. Little reminders of Hope have been placed in that room deliberately, but they do not sadden me--the room is a joyful place where I hold my son and tell him about his sister.

For some reason, though, many moments of deeply missing my daughter, while simultaneously connecting with her in a more loving, wistful way, happen in department stores. I remember particularly one day, just before Bubba was born, going to JC Penney's. It was a moment unto itself because I was finally feeling positive enough about the pregnancy--literally a few weeks before he was born--to be able to buy anything for him. J. and I went together. As we were moving toward the infants' section, we had to go through the older kids' section. Suddenly I was standing in front of a whole wall of training bras. A sea of flat white triangles connected by the thinnest of elastic bands loomed before me. The little bras were so innocently sweet that it hurt, and all I could think of was that I would never be taking Hope to get her first one. I cried openly in the store, then went on and got a few things for Bubba. But that moment stuck with me, and whenever I see that section, I think of her.

The Easter dresses have become a similar reminder. Even though the dresses come at the same time of year, every year, they somehow still always surprise me. I will just be doing odd shopping and then see the pink or purple or foamy green spun-sugar fluff of dresses floating in the little girls' section. The first year, it blindsided me much like the training bras. I fingered the soft fabric with tears coming down my face, thinking of all the beautiful things I would have bought for Hope to wear, how cute she would have been in them. Since that first year, the pain has eased, but those dresses still cut to my heart like a symbol of all she would have been, all she should have been, all I should have had with my daughter. And, to be completely honest, now that I have a son who will most likely be our only living child, those dresses remind me of all the "girl stuff" that I will never have the chance to do with my own child.

I know I am lucky to have my son--losing Hope has made me all the more aware of that. I laugh when I hear him already making car noises at 17 months, and I love how enamored he is already with his boy parts. I still manage to find him adorable little outfits that, for the most part, don't have sports symbols emblazoned all over them (although that means he does have a lot of construction-themed clothes in his dresser), and I do think he is the cutest little boy in the world.

But the Easter dresses can't help but remind me of what was lost on that June evening, and remind me of how much I always will love my little girl who never got to take a breath in this world. I think when I am old and gray and hobbling down the department store aisle for my Ben-Gay and Depends, I will still stumble upon those Easter dresses and think of my daughter, who lives on in my heart if nowhere else. And for that, I love those Easter dresses.

This post is inspired by and dedicated to my coworker, whose 16-year-old son tragically committed suicide last night. I can only imagine how many reminders will loom before her after having had 16 years to love and experience her son. I hope with all my heart that someday, she will find at least some of them comforting.

140 comments:

Tingle said...

What a BEAUTIFUL post! You have such an amazing way with words that make the feelings so vivid, in ways I had never thought of.

I think it's a wonderful, if sad, thing that you have such precious reminders of H, and the way you share that brings tears to my eyes.

Since I had a boy that I lost (haven't yet built up to posting about that), I have felt similar feelings. However, in a different way since everyone I know who had babies around the time that I lost E had boys.

Sometimes, that's hard because I see such adorable little boy clothes and toys and feel a little jealous that I can't buy them for my own little boy. I am grateful, though, that I can buy them for little boys in my life (like Bubba and D) who mean so much to me, so, in a way, that relieves those feelings somewhat.

It's a bittersweet tribute to H that you see her in places that you least expect it. And I think being able to share that in the way you do is one way H lives on.

lisa said...

I have tears in my eyes after reading this. I'm so sorry that you lost your daughter.

Yodasmistress said...

I was taking Mel's suggestion to read last year's Creme submissions... I have to admit I was a little blind sighted by the raw emotion of this one. My heart goes out to you.

Anonymous said...

diazepam 10 mg diazepam-ratiopharm 10 mg tabletten beipackzettel - diazepam generic name

Anonymous said...

cheap xanax xanax generic pink - easy overdose xanax alcohol

Anonymous said...

order xanax no prescription order xanax online illegal - kill xanax high

Anonymous said...

valium online where can i buy valium online yahoo answers - valium dosage weight

Anonymous said...

lorazepam drug lorazepam 1 mg vademecum - ativan overdose dog

Anonymous said...

zolpidem extended release buy zolpidem 10mg no prescription - order generic ambien online

Anonymous said...

buy zolpidem zolpidem side effects long term use - zolpidem tartrate cost without insurance

Anonymous said...

zolpidem online buy zolpidem - zolpidem 50mg

Anonymous said...

xanax long xanax your system drug test - does xanax show up work drug test

Anonymous said...

diazepam for dogs diazepam lorazepam - diazepam 2mg information leaflet

Anonymous said...

buy xanax bars online yellow xanax side effects - vyvanse and xanax high

Anonymous said...

buy diazepam diazepam liver damage - side effects to diazepam

Anonymous said...

ativan anxiety ativan 321 m - ativan withdrawal death

Anonymous said...

buy generic ativan ativan withdrawal 5 days - ativan 241

Anonymous said...

order ambien without prescriptions buy ambien online prescription - ambien side effects eyes

Anonymous said...

buy soma buy soma watson - soma drug online

Anonymous said...

buy ambien online ambien talking your sleep - ambien cr side effects sleep walking

Anonymous said...

buy soma does carisoprodol 350 mg have codeine - soma medication buy online

Anonymous said...

valium online pharmacy valium 5mg no prescription - 5mg valium not enough

Anonymous said...

carisoprodol without prescription carisoprodol 350 mg dosage - buy soma europe

Anonymous said...

buy ambien online regular dosage ambien - ambien side effects women

Anonymous said...

buy valium cheap 5mg valium and alcohol - buy valium hong kong

Anonymous said...

order soma online buy omnitrope somatropin - buy somatropin uk

Anonymous said...

valium pills buy valium online without rx - valium red pill

Anonymous said...

valium antidepressant valium usage dogs - valium pill shape

Anonymous said...

buy zolpidem taking 2 ambien 10 mg - cost of ambien cr 12.5

Anonymous said...

buy valium online valium drug sheet - buy valium no prescription

Anonymous said...

soma buy carisoprodol dosage maximum - generic soma from india

Anonymous said...

valium for anxiety valium and anxiety - high tolerance for valium

Anonymous said...

valium no prescription overnight who takes valium for anxiety - buy valium by roche 10mg

Anonymous said...

[url=http://www.sarvajal.com]viagra[/url]

Anonymous said...

Blogger: Oh Well... - Post a Comment purchase ventolin online - ventolin online pharmacy http://www.ventolinforsaleonline.com/#ventolin-online-pharmacy

Anonymous said...

Blogger: Oh Well... - Post a Comment ventolin cost - ventolin for sale http://www.ventolinforsaleonline.com/#ventolin-for-sale

Anonymous said...

ZinnatsJank buy cozaar online - cheap cozaar http://www.pharmaonlinesales.com/

Anonymous said...

Blogger: Oh Well... - Post a Comment soma medication - carisoprodol no prescription http://www.emprendiendoideas.com/#carisoprodol-no-prescription

Anonymous said...

Blogger: Oh Well... - Post a Comment lorazepam no prescription - buy lorazepam online no prescription http://www.ativanonlineoffer.com/#buy-lorazepam-online-no-prescription

Anonymous said...

Rule Of 6 Medication prednisone online - prednisone online pharmacy http://www.prednisone4sale.com/#prednisone-online-pharmacy

Anonymous said...

Hello, buy ambien online - ambien online http://topandhra.com/#ambien-online

Anonymous said...

City Of Medicine Hat Albert prednisone asthma - prednisone 5mg http://www.prednisone4sale.com/#prednisone-5mg

Anonymous said...

Hello, azithromycin without rx - buy cheap zithromax http://www.zithromaxonlineprice.com/#buy-cheap-zithromax

Anonymous said...

Hello, lasix online - furosemide 40 mg http://www.jacksbackyarddallas.com/#furosemide-40-mg

Anonymous said...

Hello, generic ambien no prescription - zolpidem 10mg http://topandhra.com/#zolpidem-10mg

Anonymous said...

Hello, atorvastatin cost - generic lipitor price http://www.costoflipitoronline.net/#generic-lipitor-price

Anonymous said...

Hello, low cost lipitor - buy atorvastatin http://www.costoflipitoronline.net/#buy-atorvastatin

Anonymous said...

Hello, generic for lipitor - generic lipitor for sale http://www.costoflipitoronline.net/#generic-lipitor-for-sale

Anonymous said...

advitleva premarin no prescription - premarin online http://www.premarindiscount.com/

Anonymous said...

advitleva cheapest seroquel - discount seroquel http://www.seroqueldiscounts.com/

Anonymous said...

advitleva seroquel sale - seroquel without prescription http://www.seroqueldiscounts.com/

Anonymous said...

dalsCleax soma medication - carisoprodol no prescription http://www.recipesandfamily.com/#carisoprodol-no-prescription

Anonymous said...

Lacy Drugs order topiramate no prescription - order topiramate online http://www.topamaxforless.com/

Anonymous said...

Drug Dog For Sale generic effexor - buy effexor http://www.forrealbeachresort.com/ - [url=http://www.forrealbeachresort.com/]effexor cost [/url]

Anonymous said...

Drug Pipes Pictures buy cheap soma - cheap carisoprodol no prescription http://www.jspropertiesllc.com/, [url=http://www.jspropertiesllc.com/]cheap soma without prescription [/url]

Anonymous said...

tfv zoloft no prescription - buy zoloft online http://www.zoloftonlinesales.net/#cheap-zoloft, [url=http://www.zoloftonlinesales.net/#cheap-zoloft]buy sertraline online no prescription [/url]

Anonymous said...

tmd cost of cytotec - order cytotec http://www.cytoteconlinecheap.net/#generic-cytotec, [url=http://www.cytoteconlinecheap.net/#generic-cytotec]cytotec medication [/url]

Anonymous said...

sob buy neurontin online no prescription - neurontin cost http://www.neurontinonlinesales.net/#neurontin-cost , [url=http://www.neurontinonlinesales.net/#order-gabapentin-online ]order gabapentin online [/url]

Anonymous said...

Hello, clonazepam for sale - order clonazepam online no prescription http://www.zeekmundial.com/#order-clonazepam-online-no-prescription , [url=http://www.zeekmundial.com/#cheap-clonazepam ]cheap clonazepam [/url]

Anonymous said...


3 buy cymbalta - cymbalta for sale http://www.cymbaltaonlinerx.net/#buy-cymbalta, [url=http://www.cymbaltaonlinerx.net/#buy-cymbalta]buy cymbalta[/url]

Anonymous said...

http://site.ru - [url=http://site.ru]site[/url] site
site

Anonymous said...

6, imitrex for sale - cheap sumatriptan http://www.imitrexonlinebuy.com/#imitrex-sale-online, [url=http://www.imitrexonlinebuy.com/#imitrex-for-sale]imitrex for sale[/url]

Anonymous said...

3, imitrex sale online - buy imitrex without prescription http://www.imitrexonlinebuy.com/#imitrex-for-sale, [url=http://www.imitrexonlinebuy.com/#imitrex-sale]imitrex sale[/url]

Anonymous said...

3, no prescription klonopin - klonopin for sale online http://www.klonopinonlinediscount.com/#generic-klonopin-online, [url=http://www.klonopinonlinediscount.com/#klonopin-generic]order klonopin online[/url]

Anonymous said...

6, buy cheap adipex - where to buy adipex online http://www.costofadipex375.com/#adipex-generic, [url=http://www.costofadipex375.com/#cheap-adipex-37.5]cheap adipex 37.5 mg[/url]

Anonymous said...

oZzy moved away ever before, I miss his cock, and I'm always hungry for sex.
FUCK MY PUSSY!

my weblog ... hcg injections

Anonymous said...

In present financial situation, mortgage loan seekers might get piece to use as safety is no issue. The mass media who have been serving the public along with negative belief ought to view the inside web sites not just the cover. It is therefore recommended that you have a great credit history to ensure that you to get such a financial loan without any hassle and also problems. instant payday loan These plans are mainly created for those people who are owning arrears, individual bankruptcy, defaults, CCJs, indebtedness and even other concerns.

Anonymous said...

Apart from this, this loan facility supplies loan promptly for the execution of tiny financial problems. If you are currently employed, you can get accepted for an small fraction without any applicant you could have paid your own personal details around correct fashion. Not being a slide carousel expert I don't know of the provenance of your ride. instant payday loan Auto loans in addition depend upon the knowledge that the customer should have a solid credit history.

Anonymous said...

each time i used to read ѕmalleг artiсles that also clear their motivе, and that iѕ alѕο happening with this post
which I am readіng at thiѕ tіme.

Мy homеpage ... hcg before and after pictures

Anonymous said...

levitra levitra lastslevitra nitroglycerin
http://www.provigil-online.info/ provigil nootropicprovigil for chronic fatigue

Anonymous said...

buy cialis cialis generic no prescriptioncialis ad
http://www.cialisonlines.org/ cialis reviews 5mgcialis next day delivery

Anonymous said...

buy viagra viagra how it worksviagra canada order
http://www.francochimo.ca/ pharmacy and therapeutics committeepharmacy gpa

Anonymous said...

http://www.cheapviagras.org/ viagra jokesviagra online canadian pharmacy
cialis without a prescription cialis quizcialis japan

Anonymous said...

levitra levitra reviews webmdlevitra youtube
viagra venta online argentina viagra for sale onlineviagra canada 100mg

Anonymous said...

levitra discount card levitra nitroglycerinlevitra high blood pressure
pharmacy 2 home review pharmacy xpress hueytown alpharmacy yountville

Anonymous said...

pharmacy qfc pharmacy vcupharmacy ca
organic pharmacy ?????? pharmacy quality assurance programpharmacy informatics

Anonymous said...

tramadol gotas tramadol narcotictramadol for pain
cialis 72 stunden cialis yellow pillcialis reviews

Anonymous said...

provigil 600 mg daily provigil liver damageprovigil kidney damage
levitra ineffective levitra how to uselevitra long does take work

Anonymous said...

tadalafil maximum dose buy tadalafil in australiatadalafil with alcohol
pharmacy intern jobs pharmacy 07302pharmacy vs dentistry

Anonymous said...

cheap viagra canadian viagra canada overnight shippingviagra directions
levitra dosage levitra 10mg side effectslevitra je lek

Anonymous said...

tadalafil natural substitute tadalafil st john's worttadalafil canadian pharmacy
cialis 10mg cialis urine flowcialis 75 oral liquid

Anonymous said...

walmart levitra $9.00 levitra freelevitra in women
cialis 50mg cialis 10cialis 40 mg

Anonymous said...

buy viagra online with prescription viagra in canadaviagra how to take
levitra yahoo levitra vs cialislevitra 25mg

Anonymous said...

levitra patent expiration levitra before and afterlevitra 3 day
cialis user reviews cialis 05mgcialis manufacturer coupon

Anonymous said...

cialis lilly cialis kaufencialis no rx
viagra 2 chainz lyrics cheap viagra canadiancheap viagra real

Anonymous said...

cialis usage cialis muscle achescialis half life
cialis daily cost cialis knockoffscialis samples

Anonymous said...

phentermine gs labs phentermine 800 calorie dietphentermine 15mg weight loss
cialis lisinopril cialis lot 05668cialis 10mg

Anonymous said...

cialis 80 cialis 20cialis generic cost
organic pharmacy ??????? pharmacy cepharmacy 85202

Anonymous said...

cialis under tongue cialis how long to workcialis walmart
cialis za potenciju cialis for salecialis soft

Anonymous said...

cialis 30 mg cialis urinary frequencycialis 5mg side effects
provigil xanax interactions provigil generic walmartprovigil canada

Anonymous said...

levitra 10mg levitra use by womenlevitra (vardenafil) 5mg
cialis 5 mg coupon cialis 10mg pricecialis in women

Anonymous said...

pharmacy online usa pharmacy 77084pharmacy walgreens
cialis long does take work cialis 30 day freecialis 10mg reviews

Anonymous said...

cialis samples cialis 40 mg reviewscialis for bph
pharmacy hours cvs pharmacy 8 cent stamppharmacy organizations

Anonymous said...

http://www.biocrim.com/ viagra 65 year oldcheap viagra 100mg mastercard
cialis buy cialis drugcialis upset stomach

Anonymous said...

http://www.viagraed.com/ viagra youtubeviagra online pharmacy reviews
buy levitra online levitra generic namelevitra does look like

Anonymous said...

http://www.levitraonlines.net/ levitra zoloft interactionlevitra zegin
buy levitra online levitra bayerlevitra qt interval

Anonymous said...

buy provigil 6 drugs provigilprovigil icd-9
viagra online pharmacy associationpharmacy website

Anonymous said...

generic viagra cheap viagra paypalviagra hearing loss
pharmacy online pharmacy orange bookpharmacy certification

Anonymous said...

viagra cheap viagracheap viagra ireland
levitra levitra mexicolevitra walmart price

Anonymous said...

online cialis cialis 40 mgcialis dosage
cialis cialis mencialis tadalafil

Anonymous said...

buy levitra online ???????levitra kako deluje
cialis drug information cialis 72 hourcialis without ed

Anonymous said...

cialis without prescription cialis kidney diseasecialis 72 horas
viagra online discount viagra canada pharmacyviagra use in women

Anonymous said...

cialis information cialis xalatancialis 30 minutes
buy viagra pharmacy near mepharmacy benefit management

Anonymous said...

pharmacy in canada pharmacy 808 green lanespharmacy dictionary
http://www.tramadolonlines.net/ tramadol while breastfeedingtramadol 337

Anonymous said...

canadian pharmacy pharmacy 24 hours nycpharmacy for sale
cialis drug information cialis bathtubscialis kopen

Anonymous said...

cheap-generic-viagra erfahrung viagra keeps you hardordering viagra online legal
cialis 36 hour dosage cialis over the countercialis 10

Anonymous said...

provigil dave asprey provigil 400provigil miracle drug
pharmacy job market pharmacy 44th st camelbackpharmacy schools in texas

Anonymous said...

canada pharmacy pharmacy 98101pharmacy 5th ave park slope
online tramadol tramadol 450 mgtramadol 8 per day

Anonymous said...

http://www.biocrim.com/ viagra 3 day deliveryviagra dosage instructions
generic cialis online cialis quick does workcialis recreational

Anonymous said...

pharmacy in canada pharmacy hours walgreenspharmacy technician letter
cialis cialis alternativecialis yellow pill

Anonymous said...

cialis drug cialis cheapcialis gel
levitra levitra dailylevitra trial

Anonymous said...

canada pharmacy pharmacy hours cvspharmacy schools in georgia
http://www.genericviagras.net/ viagra canada cheapviagra from canada reviews

Anonymous said...

phentermine without a prescription phentermine labelphentermine guidelines
levitra online levitra za muskarcelevitra drug

Anonymous said...

viagra cheap cheap viagra dealsviagra use directions
buy levitra online levitra at walgreenslevitra results

Anonymous said...

tramadol hcl tramadol jitterytramadol nsaid
provigil in the news provigil time take effectprovigil military

Anonymous said...

cialis cialis reviews 5mgcialis knockoffs

Anonymous said...

cialis xalatan cialis mexicocialis .99
pharmacy 5th ave park slope pharmacy uconnpharmacy design

Anonymous said...

zolpidem lawsuit zolpidem under tonguezolpidem vomiting
to buy viagra in canada viagra mexicoviagra medicare

Anonymous said...

pharmacy 11205 pharmacy onepharmacy manager salary
levitra and premature ejaculation levitra nausealevitra buy online

Anonymous said...

the organic pharmacy ? ?????? pharmacy 33401pharmacy automation
levitra in women levitra kainalevitra online pharmacy

Anonymous said...

viagra canada mastercard viagra q&ageneric viagra in canada customs
viagra patent expiry date cheap viagra blogviagra online uk cheapest

Anonymous said...

phentermine tablets 7 phenterminephentermine cheapest online
tadalafil tablets 10 mg tadalafil in womentadalafil 20mg india

Anonymous said...

cialis walgreens cialis kidney diseasecialis 40 mg reviews
cialis joint pain cialis xanax interactioncialis when to take

Anonymous said...

levitra levitra generic datelevitra v viagra v cialis
levitra drug levitra warningslevitra reviews webmd

Anonymous said...

generic viagra viagra usageviagra from canada no prescription
provigil provigil brand nameprovigil reviews 2012

Anonymous said...

phentermine no prescription phentermine 37.5 reviewsphentermine walmart
http://www.buycialisa.net/ cialis under tonguecialis in canada

Anonymous said...

pharmacy in canada pharmacy 4 upharmacy zimbabwe
canada pharmacy pharmacy museum new orleanspharmacy robbery

Anonymous said...

http://www.canadianpharmacyk.com/ pharmacy franchisepharmacy 60613
canadian pharmacy pharmacy burger nashville menupharmacy vcu

Anonymous said...

online tramadol tramadol 25mg tabletstramadol with tylenol
provigil online provigil used to treat depressionprovigil bulletproof exec

Anonymous said...

buy viagra online viagra blue visiongold viagra 3000mg
cialis uk cialis 80 mg pricecialis time to work

Anonymous said...

ambien zolpidem quetiapinezolpidem 200mg capsules
tramadol online tramadol get u hightramadol to get high

Anonymous said...

pharmacy intern jobs pharmacy knoxville tnpharmacy prerequisites
cialis dosage cialis 2.5mg reviewscialis que es

Anonymous said...

pharmacy geriatric certification pharmacy articlespharmacy umn
cialis uses cialis dosage 60 mgcialis rebate

Anonymous said...

levitra or cialis levitra strengthslevitra long does take work
phentermine 50 mg reviews phentermine buy onlinephentermine cost

Anonymous said...

provigil grapefruit provigil 5000 injectionprovigil side effects
pharmacy burger nashville menu pharmacy 89128pharmacy 2 home

Anonymous said...

cheap viagra substitute where can i buy viagra online yahooviagra 911 call
cialis c20 cialis or viagracialis knee pain

Anonymous said...

tramadol for toothache tramadol xanax togethertramadol prescribing information
phentermine zoloft weight loss phentermine xanax interactionsphentermine e 76

Anonymous said...

So as opposed to walking at a constant tempo for say an
hour, you'd probably adjust issues up by alternating brief bursts of extreme strolling for say a minute followed by a recovery period with slower strolling soon after just about every intense period. Just hold alternating for twenty minutes to start out and include time as you turn out to be more match. You could use interval instruction with all phases with thegreen coffee bean extract to boost your effects.

Also once you do any kind of exercising it's strongly advisable that
you simply drink plenty of water just before through and soon after to help keep
one's body correctly hydrated.

Anonymous said...

The геρort рrovides verifiеd uѕeful to me personally.
It’s quite informаtiѵe anԁ you аre cleаrly quite
еxpeгienced in this area. You get poрped our sight in ordeг to varying opinіon of
thiѕ particular topiс tοgether with intriguing and relіable
contеnt material.

Τake a lοοk at my wеbѕite - ambien

Anonymous said...

Sejchas idet zagruzka tret'ego fajla. Pochemu-to server otkazyvaetsja zalivat'
fajl cherez ftp. Mozhet tam pobanili ajpi servera, ili ja nemnogo nakosjachil sam.
Vot uzhe zakachalos' pochti polovina. Sejchas kto-to v vannoj slivaet vodu v unitaz,
a Lenochka sidit na divane i listaet stranichki kakogo-nibud' sajta. Skoro budem
lozhit'sja spat'. Kstate, segodnja byl ochen' pamjatnyj son pro moego dedushku.