Saw Therapist today.
•J. doesn't know why he doesn't want to "do it" anymore. He's going to think about it and report back at our next session.
•J. says that one of the reasons he didn't want to have sex with me after I tried to come on to him with the "dirty" story I wrote is that it seemed "juvenile." The other reason? That he felt my desire had nothing to do with him, that it was just that I was horny. Gee, sorry for trying to have sex with you there, stud!
•J. says he "feels like an afterthought" because I spend so much time on the phone with my friends at night — even though I ask him, every night, what he would like to do for the evening and he always tells me he wants to play PlayStation...even though I ask him if he will feel neglected if I talk to my friends and he says no. Not sure if he just wants me to sit there and watch him play video games or what.
•J. says he's noticed my extra effort "but it's so up and down" and that the adjective "indifferent" would probably accurately describe his reaction to my efforts.
•J. "fears" that our relationship is just so damaged by the past six years of hardship that it may be irrepairable.
Depressionista says: Fuck it. Fuck the ODS, fuck the effort, fuck this stupid marriage. As I said to Tingle, how long can you keep trying to fill an empty bucket before you are empty yourself? And why keep pouring yourself into that empty bucket without ever being replenished yourself?
We're seeing Therapist again on Thursday. Don't have very high hopes, although I'm am hoping to find out if it's my thighs or my personality or both that have completely turned him off. I'd just like to know so that I can beat myself up appropriately.
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I can't wait to hear the "report" about why J doesn't want to do it anymore. That should be great since he has such a good imagination.
What guy really cares WHY they are having sex as long as they are? I think, for most, you could say, "Just so you know, I'm going to be fantasizing about your boss...." and he'd be like, "Ok, whatever" if he even heard you.
What is it with these guys - they don't want to initiate, they want to play Playstation, and then they decide that they feel like they are being neglected? S. has done this to me before. It's very frustrating.
Indifferent? Nice...
Bottom line is, as I've told you, HE NEEDS TO SORT OUT HIS LIFE! Things will never be better between you two if he doesn't start working on HIM, just like you've been working on YOU!
One thing I've consciously decided since losing my son is that I will no longer allow myself to be around people who suck the life out of me and never fill me back up. Just like your bucket theory.
So, do you feel like he's basically decided he doesn't want to try anymore? And if so, is that it, it's over?
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