Maybe somebody out there knows the answer to this question. I am trying to find a divorce attorney because the one I was going to go to is unavailable. I used to work with a woman who left to earn her law degree. I would call myself a distant friend of hers--you know, the occasional email, she took care of my cat once when we were out of town, we used to get together once a year or so but haven't for at least two years now. She is now an attorney who handles divorce. I was thinking about at least having a consultation with her, but I want to know if our previous relationship would be some kind of conflict of interest? I know nothing about this stuff.
Today, when J. was talking about how he needed money for something because he had accidentally left his ATM card in a machine and it got eaten, I said "Well, don't you have a checkbook?" And he shook his head no. I asked why not and he told me that he had been forced to close his account last May because it had been overdrawn too many times (he works for a bank and they have rules about that kind of thing). I asked why he had never told me and he said, "Well, it's not causing a problem, is it?" My name was on that account--neither one of us had gotten around to taking it off. I know, stupid. J. tells me it won't affect anything negatively for me. I'm not too concerned about it, but I feel....troubled by the whole thing.
I'm also troubled because there's a part of me that feels sorry for J. I really feel that divorce is the right thing to do, but on the other hand I worry that J. doesn't have much money, his parents are both dead and his friends network is pretty superficial...I worry that he will do something terrible like kill himself or something. I've taken care of J. for a long time and it makes me sad, in a way, that he won't have anyone to do it after I'm gone. I know, he should be taking care of himself....still I feel bad. Those of you who have been through this--did you deal with any similar feelings or fears about your ex?
One of the reasons this is so difficult is that there are parts of J. that I still love, and I still care about him. But I think I'm coming to realize that those feelings don't mean that it is best for us to stay married.
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Do you look at your own poop? Enjoy picking zits? Revel in the baseness of real life? Even if you answered no, you can still stay awhile and read...
Contributors
Human Shield
Evilometer
Blogs I Read
- LilCherie's World
- Itchy Tingle
- 40 Weeks and Counting
- A Charmed Life?
- After All That...
- Awful But Functioning
- Beyond the Pale
- Daily Kvetch
- Darwin Is Laughing At All of Us
- Everything Is Under Control
- It's a Strange World...
- Just Crazy Enough To Try
- Letters to the Babies That Lived
- Monday Changed Everything
- Musings and Mutterings
- No Matter How Small
- Saving Hope
- Snickollet
- Surviving My Loss
- The Cat Lady
- The.Para.Graph
- We Are What We Repeatedly Do
Categories
Blog Archive
-
▼
2008
(38)
-
▼
February
(20)
- Question
- Responses to the responses, and thanks!
- Why?
- For Tingle's Boss
- Light
- Playing Tag
- Oh, poor little me!
- Dark
- I made the call
- Advice?
- Yep, it's time.
- Fuck it all
- What I Accomplished At Work Yesterday
- Scenes From a Chinese Restaurant
- So that I remember
- A better day today
- More of the same--Updated
- Today's Musings
- It is what it is
- I need advice on ending my marriage
-
▼
February
(20)
Visitors
©Oh Well 2007
6 comments:
I would go ahead and contact your former coworker who is now an attorney. I am very close with her and I know she would do an excellent job for you. She is very thorough and level headed. If for some reason she feels it would be a conflict of interest, she will let you know. I was going to suggest her when I read you had an attorney already.
The fact that J. didn't think it was necessary to tell you he had to close his account due to multiple overdrafts is very much a problem. Financial issues of that nature shouldn't be hidden from one's partner.
I know you worry about J. And I know you appreciate all the good things about him. Granted, I'm not as familiar with his state of mind these days, but I cannot imagine he's so bad off as to try and kill himself. Maybe this will be a wake up call for him.
And as for your concern about how it will affect Bubba... I am an adult child of divorced parents. They divorced when I was 7. I think you're doing Bubba a favor by doing this now, rather than waiting for him to be old enough to be confused and more aware.
I'm just wondering, does J know that you are this close to divorcing him? Is that what he wants?
Because, at least, to me it seems that there are a lot of things salvageable in your relationship. You still care about J. You can have sex with him, at least you are not repulsed by him. Yes, he drives you crazy, but would he be willing to work on the marriage if he knew that he had to hand over his paycheck, that he had to do certain chores, that he had to treat you a certain way?
Natasha, thanks for your advice, I'll give her a call. And thanks for the encouraging words about your own experience with divorce. I appreciate it! I hope you don't feel weirded out by reading all of this...just so you know, I'm cool with it so you don't have to be embarrassed the next time we see each other :-)
Thrice, I'm not sure J. realizes the seriousness, because both of us have been crying wolf for awhile now. Sometimes I wonder if things might be salvageable, but then I realize that all of the begging, pleading, anger, silence, counseling, trying has not done anything to improve things, and in fact they only seem to get worse. I feel like J. is becoming someone I don't know anymore, and someone I mostly don't like. I am tired of being his mother. So I guess the short answer would be that, while there are some things I like about J. and a few good parts of our life together, it just isn't enough anymore. I might change my mind but for now, that's where I'm at. But I truly appreciate your input and your support...wish it was easier for both of us.
I am so sorry for everything you are going thru. I think you should talk to the attorney you know and see what she recommends for your situation. You have alot of important decisions to make for you and Bubba.
I filed for divorce when my daughter was 2 year old and she is now 10. There was always a question about if the marriage would last and I had tried so hard to just let go of all the issues that came up. The problem was that I was the only one consistently trying and the longer this went on the more angry I became. By the time I filed for divorce I did not want to even talk to him, everything that was good about us even the friendship was gone. I hated getting up in the morning, hated myself, and was not able to be a good parent or employee. Looking back I wished that I had talked to him and together filed for divorce before this point.
You asked about the effects on a child. In my case her father kept contact for a few years with occasional visitation. This was not easy for me because I had so much anger and had to trust him for weekends with our child.
I know you are worried about J. but the current situation is not healthy for either of you. You are supposed to be partners in all areas and J. is not acting like an adult.
The best advice that my therapist ever gave me was to think of the sitution in a different way. In 20 years if Bubba was in a relatioship, feeling the way you do, what advice would you give him?
I do knot know J. but here goes anyway. Life, love and divorce is full of ups and downs and We have zero control over much of it. You are knot now nor in the future responsible for him....I mean he is an adult and whatever choices he makes are knot on you babe. Divorce...like much of life is knot a nice business yet very necessary at times. Call if you need anything...I am thinking of you and wish your heart some peace My friend. Karmagirl aka K.
I think you've already contacted your friend who's a lawyer. I don't think it would be a problem - and most attorneys will not take your case if they aren't comfortable or think it's a conflict of interest. If nothing else, she can give you advice.
Of course you still care about J. But, like you said, the bad things are outweighing the good things. It seems like you and J. have been through this pattern over and over, and like you said, nothing has changed.
Post a Comment