I am becoming more and more certain that I need to end this marriage. J. blew up at me tonight for a stupid reason and his anger far surpassed what would be appropriate for the situation. I don't know how to get out, or where to start. My financial situation sucks, so in an ideal world I would like to figure as much out as possible with J. in an amicable sort of way before involving lawyers, but I don't think J. will be very much on board with that. I would love to just pack up and leave, but I can't do that because of Bubba and how it would jeopardize custody issues. I would love for J. to pack up and leave but he won't because he can't afford it and because I'm sure he feels entitled to stay here.
What do I do? Where do I start? How do I get this going so that we can end this pathetic, miserable existence?
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I would come up with a plan for what you'd like to have happen, then meet with a lawyer to find out what your legal rights are. If you're going to be relying on your parents for emotional or financial support, I might also talk with them first to get an idea of what you can expect. I guess in general I would get all your ducks lined up before you talk to J.
I'm sorry. I wish you didn't have to go through this.
When I divorced my first, we didn't have kids or mutual property (With the exception of a car) so it was easy. There are places on the internet where a paralegal will do all of the divorce paperwork appropriate for your state for a flat fee and all you have to do is file it with the courthouse. Back in '99 when I did it, it cost me $250 bucks for the paperwork, and probably $100 more to file the paperwork with the court, get signatures notarized, etc.
Since you have mutual property and a child, maybe a better solution would be to file separation paperwork first and then work on the divorce paperwork. Honestly, this can all be done by yourself if money is an issue. Your local courthouse will have copies of all the paperwork you need to fill out.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
oh honey...this is a hard thing.
i am going to tell you what i would do; i've been divorced before but not involving kids and stuff.
at this point (with the kids and house), i would establish an emotional divorce first, within the home. start demanding the financial situation went back to the %plan, separate bedrooms, act like roommates. i would have "the talk" and really establish with him where it was all going (divorce).
after that, many things will play out. he may make some heroic attempts to save the marriage. he may become more bitter. there are so many scenarios...for him AND you. but making the first step the emotional divorce within the house, it's less confusing, and plays out faster than if someone moved out...then in...then out, etc.
after a while and alot of emotions, it will be very clear what needs to be done, and you will also have the benefit of insight on how he is going to handle the whole thing. is he going to resign himself to being amicable? is he going to fight for palimony???????
when he realizes you aren't going to make it as easy for him as you have been (financially and otherwise), he may be reasonable. i think if you just find a way to leave, he will try to take that all the way. tell him upfront you can't leave because of finances and really play up that you can't afford it on your own. i just don't want you to find yourself fighting palimony!!
i realize i may be going into too much detail......you may just be toying with the whole idea. either way, this sucks ass.
My mom & dad separated when I was 18 and I made some mental notes of what I would do if I ever divorced.
#1 Definitely get a good lawyer. If you can settle amicably with minimal paperwork then awesome. Hope for the best, but plan for the worst.
#2 Make a note of a ‘separation date’ (say last Wednesday for example) and then open your own bank account. Money that goes in there… and money that you make for that matter after the separation date is NOT subject to the 50/50 spousal stuff. Definitely enforce the % plan you had previously agreed on.
#3 Slowly and quietly start packing away / hiding things that have high emotional / sentimental value to you. Especially items that belonged to you pre-marriage. Maybe even hide them at a friend’s house. I’m not saying don’t claim that you have possession of those items later when it comes time to divide the marital assets. But better safe than sorry that you have Aunt Emma’s necklace squirreled away safely.
#4 Quietly make a list of all of the assets in the home that were acquired after you married. Try and put a current value on the items. Start thinking about what items you really want and which ones you’re happy to let go.
#5 Get it in writing that your son’s education costs need to be covered…. Maybe even a forced saving plan for your ex if he is bad with money.
#6 Get it in writing that your son needs to stay in your ex’s will and work benefits… at his cost.
#7 Change your email, internet and cell phone passwords. Even if you think he doesnt know them.
#8 Make copies of all legal documents in the house and store them at a friends. Marriage cert. Son's birth cert. Your ex's SSN. Your last 5 or 6 tax returns.
Hope that’s helpful. I also recommend sleeping in seperate rooms ASAP.
Stay strong!!
So sorry that you are in this situation. I don't have any advice as I'm battling the same problem.
You've got some good advice here. I don't really have any, but there are a lot of good ideas. I would be careful you don't end up paying palimony - my sister-in-law's friend had to do that and she even has custody of the 2 kids and still has to pay the jerk who had an affair on her.
Definitely go back to enforcing the division of money for bills, that is terribly unfair and it's just not working - you need to tell him it's not working and demand that he find a way to pull his weight. Maybe even suggest that if he can't pay the bills, he has to make up for it by doing the chores.
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