First I want to say thank you again for your comments and for reading.
It's hard to write an update about last night because I feel like I keep writing the same thing over and over again, the cycle just goes forward. J. and I talked, fought, then reconciled again almost out of exhaustion more than anything. I went to bed at 7:30 a.m. this morning and slept until 1:30 p.m.
Somewhere around 5 a.m. I saw some notes on the table that J. had written following our discussion about the house and the stuff that needs to get done, the money situation, all of that. The notes kind of touched me--they seemed to be reminders for himself. I'll write them here:
Note #1
-Recycling
-Clean out garage
-Organize and go through stuff in basement
-Clean out car
-Scrape ice
Note #2
1. Laundry
a. Haul to basement
b. Sort
c. Wash, dry and fold, deliver all clothes
d. Not enough for full load, use hamper
2. Trash
a. Empty all wastebaskets
b. Remove big bag to garage or receptacle
3. Dishes
a. Do all non-dishwasher dishes
b. Drain and put away
c. Load and wash when full
d. Load or leave when not full
4. Toys
a. Put away
5. Flat spots [this is in reference to trying to keep some of the flat surfaces in our home clutter-free]
a. Put clutter in its rightful place
b. Clean up your own mess
6. Vacuum
a. Living room, hallway and bedrooms
Note #3
Sell CDs
Sell movies
Sell books
I wrote my own note and put it on top of those telling him that the lists touched me and that the unprompted effort touched me. So that was last night.
Today has been a good day, actually. I woke up and went to LilCherie's to bring her son back to our house so she and her hubby could get a break. She had a tonsillectomy on Tuesday and her hubby's had a cold all week so I thought it would be a good thing to do.
Having both the kids here today was great! J. seemed to really enjoy playing with them and roughhousing with them. I felt like tonight J. and I were really working as a team, and it's been a long time since I felt like that. He was really helpful with the boys and good-natured about it. It is amazing how much mental energy it takes with two rowdy boys, though. Wow, I couldn't do it all the time. It isn't so much the actual caretaking, because LilCherie's son (she needs to come up with a nickname for him so I can use it here) is six and pretty self-sufficient. It's more of the loudness of the kids going nuts with the toys and also worrying that they are going to hurt themselves because they get so wound up. LilCherie's son is just hilarious, and of course Bubba thinks everything he does is just the greatest thing ever. LilCherie's son thinks Bubba's imitating him is rather annoying, but he's also totally sweet toward Bubba when he gets hurt or needs help. It's really like they are brothers.
I've thought a lot today about Bubba's comment last night. It's hard for me to figure out if his comment was fallout from the potty incident a couple weeks ago or if I'm really that crabby with him or if it's because I've been so depressed and angry at life and J. lately and I probably walk around the house looking angry. I guess it doesn't really matter--obviously Bubba's picking up on it and I so do not want that to happen. So I'm trying to look at his comment as a gift, although a difficult one to accept. I thought about it several times today when Bubba was trying my patience and it jolted me back to calmness. I also found myself putting a smile on my face more today than I normally do, which I think is probably good for everyone.
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8 comments:
I'm glad things are better. In my experience life changes do happen in repetitive cycles--if you and J. are going to work together towards a happier marriage, it probably won't be progress in one straight line with no backwards sliding.
The things kids say can really pierce you sometimes. I know when A has repeated back to me things I've said to her in anger (with the EXACT SAME intonation I used, ugh) it was awful. But it can be a gift, as you said.
sometimes the most important things we can ever hear are THE most painful. and also, being depressed, it's hard to step away from our own reality sometimes...and bubba let you step into his world for a moment.
it's not your fault, d.
you are doing everything you can to get help. it's SO HARD to deal with little kids!!!! i wonder constantly why no one ever talks about how lonely it is to be a mother, how thankless, how depressing.
on top of that, to have problems with j...really, it's ALOT.
this is totally annoying, but i'm gonna say it anyway: don't forget to breathe in and out, and don't forget to really SEE your baby boy. i have to remind myself to really see my alive kids, to get out of the fucked-up-stressful moment and really look at them, and breathe in and out.
Last week when my husband was sick but I didn't know it was the actual flu, I had him pick our son up from school and play with him so I could get groceries on the way home from work. Later on, as I took care of our son he said, "What does daddy say? daddy says stop bothering me!" I told that to his dad and it made him feel bad but it also made him realize that the kids pick up on things more than we give them credit for.
You are doing a great job - really you are. You are doing everything you can to keep the marriage up and be there for your son and fight your depression.
Just keep focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel where you will be happy and healthy and Bubbha will notice that too!
You guys are so, so kind, and so wise. Thanks for helping me feel like I'm not the only parent with anger out there!
Charmedgirl, I feel the same way about why no one ever talks about the dark side of motherhood. It's weird because when I lost Hope, I was stunned by how many people revealed pregnancy and infant losses to me that they had never told me before, and I wondered why it's such a taboo subject. I wondered why nobody ever talked about it...and now I have a living child, and it's the same fucking deal! Is it just the bad stuff that society recoils from? Or is it just stuff that's emotional and real?
I'm glad you had a better day. Maybe this will be a new start for you guys. It's so easy to get in a spiral. :(
Wow - I'm really impressed by those notes! That could be a pretty great Valentine's gift, except that "it's not wrapped up with a bow or anything..."
Bubba and LilCherie's son sound so cute together! And with boys, the noise and rough-housing level is always high.
I like that you are seeing Bubba's comment as a gift and allowing it to be a reminder for you, no matter what it meant to him. That's a good thing.
Glad to hear there was a "good" day in there...
You didn't even mention the Friday night book incident. I'm sorry that happened. But I think you are handling handling it very well. The best thing you can do is look at it as a gift. You have totally used it in a positive way. YOU ARE AN AWESOME MOM
You did a great job with the boys over the weekend. The "D" boy says he had awesome time at your house. You are doing a lot of growth!!
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