I just got back from a great therapy appointment. We "went into my heart" and did kind of a meditation thing (it's called The Remembrance in Sufism) and I felt like things really balanced out for me. I feel expansive and hopeful again. I want to get some of this down so that it won't fade into oblivion. It felt like important stuff.
The amazing thing about all this is that my therapist guided me into my heart, but I came up with all this shit on my own! Is that mind-blowing or what?
On the Topic of Anger
Bubba and I are learning about anger together (some background--Bubba has had some outbursts lately like scratching a kid at school, hitting J., and generally just acting out his anger in inappropriate ways).
It is amazing and wonderful and more than a coincidence that Bubba's process of learning about anger is happening simultaneously with mine.
He is a guide to me in this process, leading me toward the lessons I need to learn. For instance...
...In trying to teach Bubba how to deal with anger in a healthy way, I realize that I don't know how to do it....
....Because I was never taught how to do it....
....Because my parents were never taught how to do it...
....And on and on.
And what I'm doing by recognizing it and at least trying to change it is something that probably hasn't been done in generations of my family.
And that is important and good.
And it will not be a flawless process.
And Bubba will learn something from watching that process.
Rather than be "scarred for life," maybe he will learn the importance of trying, the importance of being merciful with oneself when he makes mistakes, how much his mother loved him for working so hard to fix something so that he wouldn't have to carry all of it's brokenness with him forever.
And maybe he'll pass that down to his children, and the process can start to go in the opposite direction.
Bubba's comment last Friday was not just about my anger toward him when he frustrates me. It was about the anger I have toward J. but more about the anger I have toward myself, toward my "troll," toward my skewed vision that life is terrible. And that anger shows on my face, even when it's not directed at Bubba. And he notices it. That's a big lesson, and I am really, truly grateful for it right now.
On the Topic of Mercy and Compassion for Myself
What makes me feel best in this life is doing kind things for other people...
...and that is connected, in some way I have yet to explore, with my difficulty in doing anything kind for myself.
We brainstormed on some ways that I might be able to strengthen my "real" self, or what I simply call "the good voice." (It probably needs a better name since the "bad" voice is called the troll. Although my therapist helped me see that the troll isn't really bad, because it is bringing up the stuff I need to "clear." Anyway, if you have a good idea for a name for the good voice, let me know!) Here is what I came up with for some first steps in being more kind to myself.
1. When I do something nice for someone else, take a moment and let it reflect back on me, like a mirror. Let myself feel proud and good that I have eased someone else's life, no matter how small of an act it was. Let that good feeling seep into my heart for a little bit.
2. Write down some things that I love about myself on some notecards. Some ideas that come to mind are good things I've done for others, traits I admire about myself, creative ideas I've had, accomplishments, etc. I'll take other suggestions if you have them. Then, when the troll starts yelling in my ear, just take one out and read it. It can't hurt, and maybe it can help.
3. On the same note, write myself a love letter. (Perfect for Valentine's Day!)
4. When I do something kind for someone else, "match it" by doing something kind for myself. As I told my therapist, it doesn't necessarily have to be some huge involved thing like getting a massage because I opened the door for someone. It could be something like just allowing myself to feel good about it. Open for feedback here, too, on simple ways to be kind for myself (a list here would be a good tool for me). And I'll just put it out there that I don't like baths. But there must be other ways I can be kind to myself. I just normally don't spend a lot of time thinking about it so it seems a little foreign.
As I read this, the troll tells me that it sounds like I think I'm a real Mother Teresa here, a real Good Samaritan. The good voice is telling the troll that I don't think that, but that I do have a lot of compassion for (most of) my fellow women, men, children and other living beings, so why not build on that strength?
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4 comments:
First of all, what does "being kind to yourself" mean to you? That is something that I have been trying to figure out in my therapy....along with "what inspires me?" I think those things can kind of go together. So far I have come up with being kind of myself means doing things I enjoy and taking care of my body so I can continue to do things I enjoy...I am still learning on some this stuff. I have been including "time to do nothing" as a way of taking care of myself lately so that I can go into my heart and see what else truly inspires me...since I have never really looked at it before.
I am really impressed with the revelations you made about the anger. They are so true and it is great that you are working on interupting those cycles! I am looking forward to learning as you do!
Hey there - yes, I'm still a committed lurker on your blog. :-) This post really struck a chord me with. Back when I was a senior in college I undertook a year-long therapy session to, well, what it turned out to be was to learn about myself. Sometimes I call it the best class I took that year. Anyhow, a giant chunk of what I learned was that anger is a good, valid, and healthy emotion. You are not bad if you are angry. Without going into a long rant, our society makes it very difficult for us to learn how to be angry, and gives us loads of grief if we are, making it all the more difficult to come to the understanding that anger is just as legitimate as joy and there are healthy ways of expressing anger. It is astonishing how once you come to understand how to honor your anger it no longer seethes and festers inside of you, making itself larger than it was originally, and all the harder to work out. This therapy session you had sounds really tremendous and I hope that you come back to this post and re-read what you've written because it is good and healthy. More power to you!
Wow- this is deep, deep, deep. A lot of revelation in one session! And while your therapist is the guide, you came to these places for yourself. I think that's impressive and amazing!
What about these suggestions for the anti-troll?
- champion (you know, the one who looks out for you)
- pixie or fairy or sprite (seems the opposite of troll)
I love the idea of writing a love letter to yourself, that's such a great idea!
Maybe one way to be kind to yourself or reward yourself is to take time to read or write or play and let go of the "guilty" feelings about what you "should" be doing (like cleaning) instead.
I think you've got some awesome and achieveable things you can do here. I'm proud of you!
Wow, what a powerful therapy session!
The anger stuff really resonates with me. I didn't learn how to get angry either. When A gets mad and yells and hits things, I really feel for her because that's what I feel like doing when I get mad too. We are definitely learning together. There's a whole chapter in "The No-Cry Discipline Solution" about parental anger--I found it really helpful.
I agree with what Tingle said. Doing kind things for yourself can be allowing yourself to do things you enjoy without feeling bad about other things you should be doing. I also like champion or sprite as the opposite of the troll!
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