Everyone who posted...you are right. You so are right. I re-read my post today and it has crystallized. I feel that every time I realize that I really need to get out, it brings me one step closer to actually doing it, if that makes sense. Each time I realize it, then "give it another try," my resolve deepens just a little bit.
I am going to call a lawyer on Monday, the one that came recommended to me from one of the people I trust most in this world. I've already had the free consultation with her--did that a couple of years ago. I'll try to find that file and look it over again, but regardless, I'm calling the lawyer, explaining my situation, and start working on a real plan. I know lawyers are expensive, and I might end up broke at the end of it all, but I think I still have enough room on my card to pay for it now. I know my family will help me when I need it. I know I have friends who will support me as much as they can. I know that if worse comes to worst, I can declare bankruptcy or call a credit counseling place or something and get things under control again. I won't be in any worse shape, really, than I am now.
I think I'm going to hold off on any more divorce talk with J. until I see the lawyer. I might need to sit tight for awhile and try to get some things figured out--I'll see what she says. There are some things I need to do that will alert J. to what I'm doing: I need to get into our lockbox and I need to have my name taken off his bank account, which only he uses at this point. I also need to get documentation of our home equity loan. This is difficult because J. works at the bank where all this stuff is, so I'm just going to have to do it and let the chips fall where they may. Oh well.
Last week I looked through all my bank statements back to September (my account is at a different bank!) and wrote down in a notebook how much money J. had given me from each of his paychecks over the past six months. There were many "nothing" entries. I also started writing down when J. forgets Bubba's medicine or does something else equally stupid, when I buy groceries/medicine/gas/other necessities for the house and especially for Bubba, when he is gone working late/seeing friends, when I bathe Bubba, put him to bed, take him to the doctor, stay home sick with him, that kind of stuff, so that I can better prove, if necessary, that I am providing most of Bubba's financial support and a large part of his care at home.
Melissa, you asked what happened at my psych appointment. Basically, she added some Zoloft to my Effexor. I go back in about two weeks and at that point, if I'm still feeling nonfunctional, then we will talk about Prozac or mood stabilizers, which have a lot of shitty side effects so I hope the Zoloft works. I went in looking like hell, a huge breakout on my face and no makeup, unshowered, unkempt, and then when I got there I was all fidgety and almost paranoid and really nervous...and then I cried of course. It couldn't be much more obvious that I am on the edge. I'm not sure what else I expect her to do...but somehow, it doesn't really feel like enough. I've been on the Zoloft/Effex. combo since that day, last Monday. Not really feeling any difference yet.
I got out of the house tonight and came down to LilCherie's, which has been a great break, although I don't want to go to sleep (it's 4:15 a.m.) because I know when I get up I have to go back there.
I just feel so sorry for Bubba. I know that it's probably better in the long run for us to get divorced now and spare him the years of angst/bitterness/coldness between us, but man, it's going to be so confusing and scary and awful for him. And it will be that way for me when he has to be with his dad. I would love words of encouragement here from anyone with kids who has gone through divorce to let me know that it will all be okay. At least I know J. isn't violent or malicious toward Bubba in ANY way and that he loves him with all his heart, so what I'd most have to worry about is that Bubba won't get bathed, may not get his medicine (which shouldn't be life-threatening) and will spend the entire time watching stuff on TV that's inappropriate for his age. It could be worse. But it breaks my heart that we will be hurting Bubba in this way.
I really never imagined that our relationship would fall apart AFTER we were lucky enough to have a living child. I never would have imagined that the absence of crisis would mean the end of our relationship. I never would have imagined that trying to live in normalcy would be the challenge that we'd be unable to meet.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
8 comments:
I think you are doing the right things. I know a lot of kids whose parents divorced early who are just fine. It makes a diffrence when both parents work, after divorce, to provide a happy and stable environment and work well with their ex-spouse to focus on the child and not bitterness towards each other. It migth not start off that way, but I bet you and J will get there since you both love Bubba so much.
I'm a divorcee child and to be honest I wish my parents had done it sooner. It was awful hearing them argue all the time and my brother and I were just walking on eggshells round them never knowing what would trigger a row.
Although it was hard we were much better off when they made the split. I was 10/11 and my brother 6/7. One thing I wish was that my parents had handled their anger at each other better, we were kind of like pawns for a while. My Dad would get upset when we'd visited my Mum (we lived with my dad after the divorce) which made it so hard on us. As long as Bubba is your main focus and you both work to make sure he's OK then he will be.
Both my brother and I turned out OK and we've actually been through two divorces, but that's another story!
My parents divorced when I was so young that I don't have any memories of them being married. Things got bad later, but I have happy memories when I was younger and my parents were divorced, but both lived in the same area. My brother and I split our time between our parents, they got along reasonably well, and it was fine. As long as the new environment is stable, children are very resilient.
You know, after seeing how calm you were this morning after writing this post and thinking about it more myself, it really does seem like the best choice. Like everyone said, children are resilient. I know that there were probably times where it would have and still would be, better for my own parents to be divorced rather than demonstrate such a dysfunctional relationship to their children. Luckily,years of therapy have helped me to have atleast a functional relationship that I am happy in. You deserve a better life at home. I will support you no matter what happens and help you however you need help. I'm here.
Divorce can work out for kids, as long as the parents get along afterwards. I know situations where the kids ended up perfectly fine because Mom and Dad made the effort not to freak on each other, and I know other situations where the kids ended up seriously fucked up.
I assume you guys are in a no fault state? Because worrying about who paid what and how much and when isn't such a big deal for divorce, especially if he can show that he has been paying things like his debts with his money as opposed to hoarding it.
It's up to you guys to decide how it will go. I know you will do your best.
Wow, just had to surf over here after I saw your handle, "Depressionista" -- I can relate!
you have a great blog & lots of friends -- I offer my virtual support as well, from someone who has been through it!
Good lawyer indeed is Priority 1
try Amy Evenson.....Iowa City
karmagirl
I know I've told you this before, but as a child of divorce, living with parents who fought all the time was unbelievably difficult. I'm sure it contributed to my "people-pleasing" needs, guilt, anxiety, internalizing other people's issues, etc. Like Coggy, I wish my parents had divorced sooner.
Bubba needs two parents who are functional and happy. Sometimes that means not being together.
It's not something anyone wants to go through, no one gets married thinking they'll divorce later on. I'm glad you're thinking of counseling, and I hope it will create some understanding for both of you, whether you stay together or not.
Post a Comment