Right now I feel like this is the best outlet for all this stuff because often I am either too tired or depressed to talk to my friends about it or I feel like I don't want to always have it be all about me all the time so I don't want to go on about it, even though they never make me feel bad about it. Anyway. Expect lots of gut-spilling for awhile.
I called my lawyer friend and set up a consultation with her for next Monday. She said initially that she doesn't think there is any kind of conflict of interest. The whole thing makes me feel anxious and sick inside. I feel like a failure. I had the most ridiculous thought this afternoon about how crappy our class reunion in 2009 will be if J. and I are divorced and we have to face everyone who knew us back in the early days of our "romance." No, I don't have to go, and no, I don't care what these people think....but there's a part of me that feels really ashamed about all of this, a part of me that doesn't want the world to know that my marriage is this bad. But on the other hand, here I am blogging about it.
Anyway. I took a first step. We'll see where it goes.
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7 comments:
Without sounding like a total ass..it all starts with that first step. I always think after I've done something that has been terrifying me forever how much easier it was than I thought and how much better I felt having taken the first step. Hope it works that way for you too:)
I agree, the first step is huge! I don't blame you for feeling sad about it though. You guys have a long shared history and you've had two children together. And you never know how it will all turn out, but it seems like a good thing no matter what. Either this will be a huge wake-up call for J. and your relationship will change for the better, or you'll be free from an unhappy marriage. Either way you won't feel so trapped.
I am glad that you are taking some steps. I think Melissa makes a good point about how this will be a good thing no matter how it turns out. Remember I am here if you need to chat.
I think you need to pat yourself on the back, this is a HUGE step towards the rest of your life. And about the reunion, don't go, but keep in mind that if the statistic holds than 50% of marriages end in divorce then half the people who show up to the reunion have been there too.
It will be fine, and he will be fine, and you just may find out that everything works out better in the end.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope things get better for you and find some way out of the sadness you're going through. :(
Please don't ever feel bad for venting to me. I'm here whenever you need someone to listen or need some sympathy.
I think it's natural to feel like a "failure." I've felt that a lot of times when we're having issues. Right after we got married, I was so miserable that I wanted to leave. I kept thinking, "But what about all those people who came to our wedding??" I felt like I was a major loser. Luckily we made it over that first year hump, but I still remember those feelings.
As for the reunion, I couldn't believe all the people who were already divorced at our 10-year reunion. That number will increase exponentially by the 20th. So, don't sweat it. And also, don't go if you're worried about it.
Please don't forget you have friends who are love you when you're happy or when you're sad. In good times, and bad times, I'll be on your side forever more, that's what friends are for!
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