Thank you so much to everyone who replied to my last post. I tried having "the talk" with J. on Saturday morning before he went to work. He started the conversation with an apology for the night before, which I accepted. I talked to him really calmly and told him I thought we needed to really figure out how to end our marriage, and explained how I hoped we could do it amicably and all that. He was a little more pissed off than I was at first but then just seemed sad. We were on the same page initially, that divorce is the next step. After a little bit of talking I kind of caved and suggested "one more time" of counseling, with the caveats that we find a new counselor who is a little less "touchy-feely" than the one we have now and that we focus on our situation NOW, not our past history/traumas/childhood scars etc. We need someone who can help us relate to each other and communicate, now. I don't know why I suggested it. I think I got scared.
I say I "kind of" caved about the counseling because deep down, I really don't think this will work. We've been down this road so many times. But I think it might be beneficial for a couple of reasons--first, we will be able to say we "tried everything" to make it work, and second, it gives J. another heads-up on where things are going.
Emotionally, I think we have pretty much made the separation. We have slept in separate bedrooms for...god, I can't even remember now, a couple years? It started out because I couldn't stand how much crap J. always threw all over the room and I told him that until he cleaned it up and kept it clean that I was going to sleep in the "guest room." He never did, and it's "Mommy's room" now. I think we've had sex once or twice in the last 8 months. If I'm playing with Bubba, he's smoking or playing his video games; if he's playing with Bubba, I'm smoking or on the phone with my friends or doing something else...it's like we're already taking shifts, you know? Like coworkers.
I do have my own bank account, but your comments made me think of a few things that I should get in order, for instance, getting my own lock box and moving my stuff out of our shared one. Basically, I'm going to start working on my plan while still going to marriage counseling. That might sound stupid or counterproductive or whatever. I mean, it would be great if marriage counseling would really turn things around and make our marriage work, and I'm open to that possibility...but not expecting it.
I also feel like I have to say here that I know I have my own issues and behaviors that have a negative effect on our relationship. But because this is my blog, you will probably only hear about what a jerk J. is. I guess I just need you all to know that I am aware that it's not entirely his fault. But most of it is (sort of joking there).
I hate that this is happening now, after we finally had a child. But it is what it is. Thanks for reading and for your support.
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3 comments:
i think going to therapy now is an excellent idea. this will be the most difficult transition your relationship will have to endure...why NOT be in joint therapy while it happens??
because, after all, you will ALWAYS have bubba together. i think therapy can maybe help it not go shit down the tubes completely.
I think you are right about working on "now" in counseling. You are both caught up into habits of dealing with each other in unhealthy ways and need to find new ways to communicate and relate to each other.
I think working on your plan is a good idea. It's not counterproductive - it's self-protection.
Please don't go into counseling already thinking it won't work, OK? Have hope and be open to the idea that maybe it will work. If you figure the best outcome would be marriage nirvana and the worst outcome would be divorce, landing in the middle of that spectrum sure wouldn't be too bad, would it?
As I read all these posts about your husband, I've been thinking about his recent ADD diagnosis, and wondering if he hasn't found the right meds, then maybe it might be worth doing some counselling, but also having a meeting with his ADD Doc and you and him together.
There may be things that he is not seeing and if the Doc knew, he could adjust the meds and maybe give him a diff. dose or a long-acting one and even if you don't stay together, he can be a better parent.
Self-perception is not an ADDer's strong point, and he will not be able to ever see it if he lives alone. Only Bubba will, and he can't help his Dad.
It's just that your description of him growing up and his actions now sound like a person with ADD who is not on meds and not diagnosed. And I know so many people who are happier with their spouse and themselves when they get properly medicated.
He might be depressed as well, but the only thing that will really work on his motivation is stimulants.
Push him to find out what's going on with that.
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