Dark

My life is falling apart and I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I can't work. I emailed my boss today and I'm going to talk to her about a leave of absence, which will mean I will have to ask my parents to help me financially, but it's getting to the point where I can't ever make it in for a full week and even when I'm there I can't get much done.

Last night J. came home depressed himself, because he had some disappointing career news that I can't say anything else about, but he wanted to go to bed and I did the big sigh and then said okay, which really means no, so he stayed up and put Bubba to bed and then just went silently into his own bed and went to sleep. Then he got up and did all the Bubba care this morning to get out of the house by 8 a.m. I am such a complete loser. I go on and on about what a jerk J. is here, but I am just as bad. I sent J. an email half an hour ago asking him if he could get out of work a couple hours early and come home and talk to me. He hasn't responded so he either doesn't want to, can't, or hasn't gotten around to reading my note yet.

I think I have a sinus infection, and I called the doctor's office today and they didn't have an opening until next Tuesday. Next fucking Tuesday. This, after we struggled for almost three months, from October to the beginning of January, to get rid of the post-surgical infections. This, after my doctor told me, "If you have ANY inkling that you are getting another infection, call right away." I said to the receptionist, "So I have to wait a week to be seen for a sinus infection?" The receptionist confirmed this. I said, "Just forget it," and hung up on her. But I still have the sinus infection, the only other option in town is the U of WKWKYKBYSOUM. I may have to go to another town 40 minutes away if I switch. I should probably call my doctor back and demand to talk to his nurse, but fuck, I don't care enough. It's weird wanting to die but still worrying about your sinuses. I guess I just don't want any more pain. Ya know?

WHY is this so bad right now? WHY is my brain so screwed up and WHY isn't anything helping? I almost want to say...in fact, I will say that I am worse mentally than I was after Hope died. At least then I could make it in to work most days. At least then I knew why I was in such pain. At least then I didn't have another little life depending on me to be "okay." At least then, people knew and were understanding of why I was screwed up.

After Hope died, I did therapy, meds, got massages from a lady who helped me "talk" to my baby and told me about my auras, saw a shamanic healer, wrote in my journal, reached out for support from my friends and got involved in a support group message board which is where I found Tingle. I remember then thinking "I am doing EVERYTHING I possibly can to get better, and it's not working." That's how I feel right now. I wish it was a physical problem. I wish it was something I could point to, that people could see, so that I wouldn't have to just feel like a loser.